Tag Archives: cross

Praise Jeebus

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THE NEW BLACK, III: Cut Loose (2013, AFM)

The skull:
Sure, this was pulled straight out of the big design folder at a local tattoo shop, the page stained with drool and tobacco smoke, but if nothing else, this is the first BDS to prominently feature hummingbirds, so, congratulations are in order, I guess, to The New Black, who also hereby make their second appearance in the Skullection. Truth be told, their first album is also fronted by a big dumb skull, but I think we’re about sick of this stupid band, so the morbidly curious will have to Google that shit for themselves if they want to fully trace the origins and development of The New Black Big Dumb Skull.

The music:
The New Black are the sort of totally boring band who could be national stars if they were from Finland. They’re unfortunately from Germany, so it’s unlikely they’re huge in their home country, but I guess you never know. They have the glossy, shitty sound of a band trying to rope in a mainstream audience with something nominally “metal” but still totally safe, as if mixing Volbeat and Papa Roach were a viable creative strategy, or if the problem with Black Sabbath is that they sound insufficiently like The Foo Fighters. TNB (as I’m sure they’d like me to call them) are total pros, of course, but they’re also completely soulless. I’d rather listen to nazi black metal from France (not really, but please allow me the hyperbole) because at least those idiots believe in something and are making music for reasons that are not transparently commercial. You can imagine a songwriter in The New Black thinking, “Man, this riff would totally KILL in a video game or an energy drink commercial! The opportunities for cross-market synergy are just off the charts here!” If your main source for new music recommendations is VH1, then maybe The New Black could totally be your jam, but if you’re a metalhead with (some) dignity and self-respect, you won’t listen to this pap.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL489

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TROXYGEN, Demo (2012, demo)

The skull:
This skull clealy suffers from some kind of hydroencephaly – look at how huge his dome is – and has attempted to relieve the pressure by ramming a cross into his forehead. Except, wait, is that forked tongue part of the cross? What the hell? This doesn’t make any sense. And why is he wearing mirrored glasses? Does he think some bitchin’ shades will distract the ladies from his enormous, bulbous, horned head? If so, this dude is seriously living in denial.

The music:
Troxygen describe themselves as “crudge metal,” which I assume is a portmanteau of “crust” and “sludge,” although as far as I can tell, they’re just a shitty death/thrash band (“dash metal,” to those in the know). Yes, they slow it down to almost dirgey tempos at times, but that would at best make them “croom metal,” and that’s assuming there was some actual crust in the sound, which there isn’t. “Crudge” nevertheless rings true, because that’s a descriptor that absolutely no one would associate with quality. These two songs are dreadfully dull and performed without passion. Truly unnecessary stuff.
—Friar Johnsen

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MASSAKER, First Attack (2009, demo)

The skull:
It’s hard to tell if the drawing is just terrible, or if this weirdly squished skull is supposed to be a “gray,” those bug-eyed aliens always probing someone’s rectum. We’ll assume it’s just an ugly human, because how would a supersciency spaceman find himself in such dire, and utterly human, straits? Impaled on a cross and decorated with a bandolier, this guy has clearly run afoul of the same liturgical vigilantes that have stuck countless other skulls on crosses in the past. It’s a rotten way to go, I imagine.

The music:
Sloppy thrash from Brazilian youngsters, First Attack is not so much raw in the Dorsal Atlantica, “Thrash was just invented and we’re still trying to figure out how to do it” way but in the, “I’m at least as good on guitar as the guy on the first Dorsal Atlantic album, so how hard can making a thrash demo be?” way. Bad songs, bad playing (especially from the drummer), and infuriatingly shitty production are the three calling cards of Massaker, as this demo is their only release to date. This band is never going to get better, and on the off chance they do, they’ll want to distance themselves as much as they can from this stinker.
— Friar Johnsen

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CROWLEY, Whisper of the Evil (1986, Electric Lady Land)

The skull:
Skulls impaled on crosses are in no short supply, and indeed the most famous example of the form was also released in 1986, but this is a particularly fine specimen. The blood red brains are an obvious focal point, but it’s the worried expression that really seals the deal. “How bad does it look?” he asks, knowing that something’s not right but, perhaps in a state of shock, not able to fully grasp the magnitude of his injuries. “Oh, it’s not too bad. You look good. You’ll be feeling right as rain in no time, and hey, that star thing looks pretty cool” you mumble, as you slowly back away. “What star thing?” he asks, but you’re already gone. He’ll figure it all out soon enough, and you don’t want to be the one to break it to him.

The music:
If the only Japanese metal band you’ve ever heard is Loudness, then, well, you can still pretty much imagine what Crowley sounds like, although Crowley are more or less all metal, avoiding the cheesier hard rock tendencies of Loudness. Of course, we’re talking about pre-Thunder in the East Loudness, not the hairy stuff you might have seen on MTV (not that there’s anything wrong with that period, either.) There are some hints of Mercyful Fate black metal in Crowley, but mostly this is midtempo American-style power metal not entirely unlike early Savatage (although not nearly as good) or Lääz Rockit. The vocals, high pitched and powerful, are solid, with the understanding that this is mid 80s Japanese metal, so he vibrato is extreme and you’ll probably never figure out if Takashi Iwai is singing English or Japanese. Whisper of the Evil is a pleasant enough album, but it’s not a lost relic of total brilliance. You’re unlikely to ever come across a copy in the wild, so if you’re bored at work and want to waste 30 minutes listening to old Nippon metal on YouTube, well, you could do worse.
— Friar Johnsen