Author Archives: Friar Johnsen

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AGMEN, Dethroned (2004, Ravenheart)

The skull:
Now that’s what I’m talking about! No Photoshop, no flames, no fucking bullshit. Just a dude in ridiculous bracers gripping a real live skull. That even kind of looks like a genuine piece of bone, and not some plastic replica. It’s still not a very interesting image, but with this cover you know what you’re gonna get: authenticity and boredom. Huzzah!

The music:
I’m not so well versed on Czech black metal, I’m afraid to say. I’ve heard Root and Masters Hammer (neither of whom are particularly pure as black metal goes) and, well, Agmen doesn’t sound like either. This is semi-melodic but generally fast black metal that sounds like something Swedish from the late 90s. A band that’s still all about the darkness and evil, but who also kinda like Dark Tranquillity or something. Think Mithotyn minus the folky bits. It’s not bad, though! Not super awesome, but pretty decent for this sort of thing. Some good riffs, relatively tight songwriting, and sound that’s much better than I was expecting. About the only obviously lame element is the singing, which is half croak, half rasp, but even the vocals are not a deal breaker. I’m probably not going to buy it, because my melodic black metal needs are pretty much already met, but if I was even a little bit more into the genre, I might bite.
— Friar Johnsen

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DISMEMBER, Hate Campaign (2000, Nuclear Blast)

The skull:
Although the original cover for this album also featured a big dumb skull, the limited vinyl release on Night of the Vinyl Dead features this finer BDS, although to be fair, neither is especially awesome. They’re both variations on the “skull swathed in flames” motif, which is basically always achieved through Photoshop hackery. Oh, how we would love to see someone build an actual fire around an actual skull! I think the closest we’ve come is the melting wax skull used twice by Oz and featured early in the Skullection. Every burning skull since then has been magic-wanded, feathered, and pasted with malice onto some stock flame texture. Laziness campaign!

The music:
This is the second of Dismember’s, “Sorry! We’re still cool!” albums after their half-hearted effort following Entombed’s ill-considered detour into death rock. To their credit, pretty much all of their post-death-rock albums are better than all of Entombed’s, and Dismember’s sellout album, Massive Killing Capacity is better than Wolverine Blues et al. But at the same time, excepting maybe the very first one, none of Dismember’s albums are total killers. They’re always very good, capturing basically everything you want in the Stockholm DM sound, while still never really rising to the level of “classic.” Others would disagree, I’m sure, and really, I probably sound more down on Dismember than is fair, because they’ve been good more or less their entire career, but there’s a reason they’re always compared to Entombed and not the other way around. And these later albums all admit a certain amount of In Flames or Arch Enemy style melodicism in a way that always sounds a little craven and opportunistic. Dismember might be a first tier Swedish death metal band, but surely the next band below them is the top of the second tier. They hang on by a thread, in other words.
— Friar Johnsen

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PAIN CONFESSOR, Turmoil (2004, Megamania)

The skull:
This guy was clearly just discharged from the Vic Rattlehead Institute of Osteoplasty, having opted for not just the iron staples to close his jaws, but also some kind of bone graft to actually seamlessly seal his top and bottom jaws together. Quite sharp! The staples in the forehead seem a bit excessive, but isn’t that always how it goes? Once you get some work done, each additional procedure seems less like a big deal, and before you know it, you’re ending up on some Buzzfeed listicle called “23 Bony Tragedies”. This guy isn’t at that stage yet, so hopefully he’ll heed the advice of his buddies, who will all tell him he looks great now.

The music:
I’d heard Pain Confessor before this, but I remember them being a bit more brutal. Maybe I’m thinking of some other band, because this is an amalgam of modern (circa 2004) Scandinavian death metal and thrash, and latter-day Sentenced (although that influence is mainly limited to some semi-melodic singing in the choruses.) Actually, this is pretty solid stuff, if a little unimaginative. At least it’s hooky. Pain Confessor bring a little more to the party than your average Soilwork knockoff, and they even remind me a little of one of my favorite melodic death metal also-rans, Withering Surface (if only their fourth, and weakest album.) I have enough stuff like this in my collection that I don’t need to run out and buy any Pain Confessor, but if by chance I had picked up this disc in the 00s, it would be good enough to squeeze some other similar thing out of contention. You might call that “damning with faint praise,” but around here, that’s nearly the best kind of praise you can expect!
— Friar Johnsen

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SUICIDAL HOLD, Suicidal Hold (1998, self-released)

The skull:
This guy killed himself by digging a hole next to a wall and then pulling the dirt back in on himself, leaving only his head exposed. It took days for him to die of thirst. Plenty of passers-by offered to help, tried to comfort him, but he always refused, and was so eloquent in making his suicidal case that no one argued with him or sought to dig him out against his will. In fact, so moving was his story that many of the people who spoke with him in his final days return periodically to the spot, where his now fleshless skull still remains, and drop a single rose in his memory, I guess because his sadsack story was all about how his girlfriend dumped him at the prom while they were dancing to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, then she married some singer from a local grunge band and had a couple kids or something. Whatever. The dude was a poser for liking Poison and the world is better off without him.

The music:
The Gods of the Skull must be smiling on me at the end of my vacation, because my last two skulls have completely eluded me, musically. This is supposedly thrash, and with a name like Suicidal Hold, I’m more than willing to believe that, but as they’re also Italian, the likelihood that they were any good is pretty slim. I mean, I like Bulldozer as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest: Italy has never been a thrash metal hotbed. But, who knows? Maybe they were just too good for 1998, when power metal was ascendant and the rethrash craze was nearly a decade away. Maybe they were totally killer, but the scene just wasn’t ready for them, and they broke up after this one amazing EP. Anything’s possible, we tell ourselves.
— Friar Johnsen

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CHOREA, Vultures / All Shit 7″  (1989, self-released)

The skull:
One year of skulls, and we couldn’t ask for a better send off to 2013. This ridiculous fellow looks like a reject from The Outer Limits’ prop room, all cheap styrofoam and spray paint. The eyes, those comically tiny eyes, were almost certainly pried off a cheap teddy bear, and the teeth might actually be kernels of corn. There are so many of them! A glorious mouthful of oversized choppers. And the look on his face is no-nonsense: “Yeah, yeah, I’m an ugly bastard. I know it and you know it. That’s life, man! Or death, am I right? So, let’s just get down to business…” whatever that sordid business might be.

The music:
Isten calls Chorea speed metal without much further comment, which probably doesn’t bode well for their quality. In any case, there is no audible record of this release on the interwebs, but the guitarist was also in Purity, whose first album is one of the fun, forgotten records that never really had a chance on Black Mark. I also have a soft spot for that band for covering The Police. Alas, Purity are not Chorea, and neither do they have a BDS under their belt, but I must make do with the materials provided me.
— Friar Johnsen

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SPIRITUAL HOLOCAUST, Salute the Death (2010, demo)

The skull:
The best kind of skull for a Big Dumb Skull cover, of course, is a physical object, photographed for the occasion, and Spiritual Holocaust have delivered at least that, it must be said. But, The Council and we Friars would prefer that at least some effort were put into disguising the white plastic skull you bought at the Halloween store as something that might have once encased an actual human brain. Spiritual Holocaust seems to even recognize the lameness of their skull, as their members have been here caught on film in the middle of a pathetic game of hot potato, one guy trying to pass off the shoddy dimestore replica skull on his fellow. There is no escaping this shame, though.

The music:
Mid-paced Finnish death metal. Not melodic, but not totally assonant, either. Being Finnish, and of recent vintage, Spiritual Holocaust are totally capable, and no one can impugn their skill as players, but their late-to-the-party Swedish-style death metal is as artlessly made as it is professionally produced. If you’re a die-hard for this sort of thing, or if you’re in the market for a farm-league Demigod, then you might add these guys to your collection without a second thought, but it’s highly unlikely they’d get a second listen. You’d spin Salute the Death (or, more likely, their lone full length album) once, think, “That was pretty good,” and then forget about them almost forever, until one of the guitarists ends up in a slightly better band, and you notice a mention of Spiritual Holocaust in their bio, and you absently think to yourself, “I think I have one of their discs…” before drifting to another, even less interesting thought. In fact, I just had to double-check who I was writing about in the first place. Potent mediocrity!
— Friar Johnsen

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GANG, V (2010, Emanes Metal)

The skull:
Well, it’s big, that’s for sure. And the single eye is pretty awesome, despite the absolutely terrible Photoshop paste job. This is an ugly, lazy cover, make no mistake! The candles at least sort of set the scene, but the pentagram logo is a little distracting (it could certainly be better integrated) and the standard-issue brown wash that swamps the entire cover is a drag. Plus, it’s Christmas morning, and the Council gifted me a one-of-a-kind LP pressed in sterling silver of Megadeth’s Killing Is My Business… and I’d much rather be listening to that than critiquing this crappy French skull. Of course, the Council and we friars acknowledge no God but The Skull, but we all enjoy the gift-giving and camaraderie of the holiday season, not to mention the heavily boozed dairy beverages.

The music:
This totally un-Googlable album is a nice slice of melodic trad metal that nevertheless sounds more or less modern and not at all retro. Listening to V, the bands that immediately spring to mind are Artch and Hell (the new lineup, with Andy Sneap), although I offer these only as points of comparison, not to suggest that Gang were influenced by either band. Mercyful Fate are probably the common ancestor, although Gang doesn’t make a great effort to establish any occult vibe. The singer has a nasal delivery and a narrow range, but he puts his voice to good and dramatic use, and the riffing is solid and largely catchy. The drums sound programmed to me, but they’re basically alright sounding, and the rest of the production is perfectly fine. Gang aren’t about to become my new favorite band, but they’re pretty decent, and certainly good enough to get me to check out the rest of their fairly significant discography.
— Friar Johnsen

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DESMADRATION, Sex, Thrash and Fucking Beers! (2010, demo)

The skull:
No sex. No fucking beers. Just a blood spattered skull (and a pitifully small one at that) to signify thrash. In all things, Desmadration can be counted on to deliver at 33% of peak. At best!

The music:
If Sadus had released four demos before D.T.P., the second one might have sounded like this. Super juvenile thrash played by amateurs and recorded with a boom box. This even comes with the high whine of a poorly aligned tape head, for added authenticity, although I believe the demo was distributed as a highly untrue CDR. Obviously, this is not a band that takes itself too seriously, and I’ve heard worse sounding demos with shittier songs, but my patience for Z-grade rethrash from the warmer nations is beyond strained at this point. I’m at my breaking point, basically. Desmadration are Mexican instead of Brazilian (and if you know your shit well enough, you can already imagine the subtle differences between the respective thrash of those two nations, which are evident here) but they’re still awful and stupid. Will my suffering never end?
— Friar Johnsen

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KORZUS, Korzus Ao Vivo (1985, Devil Discos)

The skull:
While the reissue of this album recolors it to make the background black (and obviously 50% more evil), I prefer this original from a time when metal aesthetics were not quite as hidebound as they are now. Granted, it’s a little harder to make out the skull here (and the logo is also less conveniently placed on this version) but it’s not like you won’t notice this giant yellow skull sitting on some rocks. For those not fluent in Portugese, “ao vivo” means “live” (this is a live album), lending the skull a pleasing bit of irony, but there’s not otherwise a whole lot going on conceptually here: just a skull, some stone, and a Warholian palette.

The music:
I don’t know what the Council is trying to say to us lowly Friars, who have lately been absolutely inundated in Brazilian thrash. Are we being punished or rewarded? Only the Council, the ultimate arbiters of the Skullection, can say for sure, and we who serve are not about to ask. Not directly, at least. We’re pretty sure the Council doesn’t even read these posts. They have bigger fish to fry, after all. Anyway, Korzus are one of the original Brazilian thrash bands, and Korzus Ao Vivo is their first vinyl release. You can imagine exactly how awesome a Brazilian live thrash album from 1985 sounds, I’m sure. Korzus at this point were not too dissimilar from Show No Mercy-era Slayer, which is to say, they’re just fast and raw enough to be a thrash band and not NWOBHM disciples. And I’d make this comparison even if they didn’t include a cover of “Evil Has No Boundaries” on this platter. Exciter probably also figured prominently in Korzus’s list of influences back then, but for a South American band, Korzus show surprisingly little interest in German thrash. That’s fine by me. These are actually pretty decent tunes, all things considered, and I might actually enjoy this album, if not for the shitty sound. The crowd sounds intimate and into it, which is cool, but audience enthusiasm can only go so far to redeem what basically amounts to a low-grade bootleg. Also, I’m not a huge fan of Portugese as a lingua metalli. But, crusty oldschool thrashers should probably at least check these guys out, if only to name-drop them on their buddies who think they’re underground because they have Sarcofago patches on their denim vests.
— Friar Johnsen

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HDK, System Overload (2009, Season of Mist)

The skull:
Does the HDK graphic arts team not know how x-rays work? The whole point is to look through the soft tissue (like brains) to see the hard (like skulls). Perhaps we’re seeing a new, experimental kind of imaging technology at work here. Y-rays, or something like that. Or, maybe these are just really dense brains. Like, maybe the system that’s overloaded is the Moh’s Hardness Scale. These brains rate an 11. Also, the soft palate, I guess. Shit. Now my BDS Justification System is starting to smoke. Red alert!

The music:
HDK play modern melodic death metal (think: Soilwork, Scar Symmetry, etc) with a kind of Fear Factory-like precision. They’re not especially original, but I’ll be damned if they aren’t pretty good at what they do. The band is a studio project led by After Forever’s Sander Gomens, and he ropes in a bunch of buddies to help out, particularly in the vocal department. There are at least seven credited vocalists (including: rap vocalis, harsh vocals, clean vocals, and female vocals) and one of the bigger names to turn up is Andre Matos, most famously of Angra. The female singer is Amanda Somerville, who also fronts Trillium and who sounds a lot like all those other Dutch female metal singers. But for the most part, the vocals are a kind of semi-melodic yarl. Not quite thrashy, but definitely not clean either. These alternate with standard issue deep and raspy growls. The glossy, triggered, high-gain production renders the affair a bit more generic sounding than it was already scheduled to be, but if you’re into the bands that HDK wants to sound like, the homogeneity of the sounds will probably comfort. Most of the songs are uptempo and catchy enough, with only a few out-and-out clunkers (notably the lame groove cut “Terrorist”) even if nothing really stands out as especially well-crafted. For modern middle-of-the-road extreme metal, HDK are solid, and if that sounds like a weak endorsement, I should say I’m not too into the bands whose shoulders they’re standing on, but I can certainly appreciate the workmanlike craft they put into their music.
— Friar Johnsen