Author Archives: Friar Johnsen

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ILLIDIANCE, Deformity (2013, self-released)

The skull:
The deep blue palette and the fine, soft brushwork on display here (even if it was done, as it likely was, entirely digitally) make me think of Necrolord, but there’s no way he’d ever create something as garishly stupid as this. Skull, brass knuckles, grenade, banner, sawblade, wings, outline stars, stencil AND script lettering: this cover has everything you need for like five douchey tattoos, with enough left over for two or three Affliction shirts. This is the pure, concentrated distillation of Hot Topic, in album art form.

The music:
Thuggish Soilwork style stuff, leavened by a shitpile of bloopy techno keyboards and bass drops, plus plenty of the djenty chugs that the kidz are so into these days. This is really shameless dreck, like a shittier version of Mnemic (if you can even imagine). Really, people: there is nothing more to be gained from mixing death metal howls and schmaltzy emo clean vocals. There’s no surprise in the contrast anymore, and no one will ever believe that your band is either tough OR sensitive. They will, however, immediately understand that you’re trendchasing whores without vision or talent. Read Illidiance’s Metal Archives page and you’ll be hammered over the head by this Russian band’s feckless opportunism: “Genre: Symphonic Black Metal (early), Electronic/Metal (later)…. The band now describes themselves as ‘cyber metal’.” Ugh. They even used to wear corpsepaint and are now all about full-sleeve tattoos and wraparound shades. Amazing. I guess I could give them points for making a good sounding EP, but actually, I won’t. Fuck this stupid band.
— Friar Johnsen

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PROTECTOR, The Return of Thrash and Madness (2011, demo)

The skull:
Ah, the ol’ skull and flying V crossbones. We’ve seen this before, I think. Actually, looking ahead, SKULL582 is basically the same thing. Mark your calendars: on August 5, 2014 you’re gonna feel some wicked deja vu. Anyway, Protector. It’s hard to tell in this image, but those things in the eyes appears to be flags, and the one on the left features that upright Swedish lion dude. I’m guessing the other one is some kind of German flag, to represent Protector’s migration from the former European capital of metal to the current one. Also, one guitar is inscribed with 666, and the other with 777, perhaps to signal the music on this demo will appeal to fans of both Slayer and Stryper. Which, it should go without saying, would be a total lie. So, this is definitely more 666 than 777. Let’s call it 721.5.

The music:
Although I love the big three German thrash bands, and a fair number of the also-rans (eg Exhumer, Accuser, and some bands that don’t end in -er), I never got into Protector. This could be in part because even in the early 90s, when I was beginning to amass my legendary music collection, Protector discs were already hard to come by, and the band was not good enough for me to pay collectible prices. The situation has only gotten worse since then, and Protector sure as hell haven’t gotten any better, as this comeback cassette (!!!) sadly demonstrates. To compare them to another band, you’d have to imagine a missing link between the primordial rawness of Sodom’s early releases and the precision polish of the Frank Blackfire era. Protector are not sloppy players (although the drumming is not very interesting) but they just can’t write interesting riffs, and the vocals have always sucked. On one hand, I guess it’s nice for Protector fans that this release sounds so much like their “classic” material, but on the other hand, 2011 might have been a good time for the band to actually up its game. There are dozens of young (national) Swedish bands working exactly this same beat, and doing it better than Protector ever did, and none of THOSE bands are any good, really. Add in the rehearsal-room quality of this demo and you’ve got yourself one sad, sad comeback. But, at least they sound better than Assassin do now.
— Friar Johnsen

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THE WOUNDED KINGS, In the Chapel of the Black Hand (2011, I Hate)

The skull:
Though it was clearly painted by a high school senior, this is a nice and moody piece that’s only spoiled by the too-crisp typography of the logo and title. Though there’s nothing especially evocative of a chapel to be seen here, this at least looks like the sort of thing you might see in the Black Hand’s chapel, I suppose. And though it’s surely meant to be painted on, I prefer to think that the pentagram and its associated script is actually the most evil yarmulke ever, the ideal headgear for some serious hardcore satanic Kabbalah.

The music:
Ever wonder what Ozzy might sound like if he were a woman? If that nasal, pinched voice of his were pitched a half octave higher and with even less body? Well then, I have the band for you! Singer Sharie Neyland transforms otherwise merely boring occult doom metal into something uniquely annoying with her infuriating witchy poo voice. To be fair, if the greatest male singer of all time tried his hand at her melodies, he would also fail to inspire, as she seems intent on never moving more than a step at a time from the last note. Simply atrocious. The music is no worse than most shit in this vein (see also: Lord Vicar, Electric Wizard, et al) but that means it’s already bad enough to avoid. Add in these spectacularly shitty vocals and this is a must-miss affair.
— Friar Johnsen

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TSJUDER, Atum Nocturnem (1999, demo)

The skull:
This fanged fellow, emerging from the blackness and mist, would look a whole lot scarier if his eyes weren’t LEDs. If he leapt out at you you’d probably think, “Shit! How did I end up in Halloween Adventure?” before petulantly swatting him down and saying, “Knock it off!” And then he’d slink back into the shadows, his skully tears threatening to short out his diodic eyes, as he mumbles that no one thinks he’s scary and what good is a skull who can’t scare anyone, etc. He just needs to meet up with Rudolph and that dentist elf and maybe some holiday-themed redemption could be his.

The music:
“Tsjuder” is apparently the Norwegian spelling of “Chud,” although that sadly does not refer to cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Instead, it refers to any of a group of Finnic tribes from what is now Estonia. Doesn’t sound very evil to me, but what do I know? Anyway, Tsjuder are one of those black metal bands that has been around forever (they formed in 1993) and has a certain cult cachet, but who haven’t recorded all that much and whose main output came long after the peak of that scene. I never really cared to check them out, even though they’re fairly well known, and that’s worked out for me so far, because this is the kind of lame buzzy, braindead second wave black metal that I generally can’t stand. Strictly by-the-numbers stuff, corpse paint and all. I guess Immortal would be the closest point of comparison, but maybe there’s a more apt one to be made by someone more knowledgeable than me. Friar Wagner is our resident black metal experct, but I find it hard to imagine that he likes this all that much either. I think anyone still making exactly this kind of music in 1999 is unlikely to have been very clever about it.
— Friar Johnsen

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DEFORMITY, Repulsions of War (1992, demo)

The skull:
At first glance, I thought I had another trepanned skull on my hands, but the cracks around the hole, not to mention the title, strongly suggest it’s a bullet hole. Which is fine. At least he died quick. Of course, had he held out a little longer, he could die even quicker when that swastigrenade goes off. I guess the black outline is supposed to suggest the helmeted soldier who used to carry this skull around, but it kind of looks like Velma from Scooby Doo is trying to hide behind the skull. She’s pretty repulsive, I guess, but not particularly warlike, even if her name is very Germanic sounding.

The music:
This was recorded in 1992 at Sunlight Studios in Stockholm, so you can pretty much already imagine exactly what it sounds like, although in addition to the obvious influence of their countrymen, I hear a not-insignificant amount of Bolt Thrower here as well (particularly on the title track and “In Fear”), which is certainly a welcome addition to the mix. The singer basically splits the difference between LG Petrov and John Liiva, which is to say he sounds pretty bad-ass. Obviously, we at Skull HQ complain tirelessly about unoriginal bands, but the truth is, when it comes to this early Swedish death metal, we’re pretty much always game, no matter how much it sounds like everything else that came out of that scene from 1989 to 1992, and even then, Deformity is exceptionally cool. Better than Desultory for sure. They don’t quite rise to Nirvana 2002 level cult status, but they’re quite good and worth hearing if you like this shit.
— Friar Johnsen

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SARCASTIC TERROR, Infernal Hatred (1995, Dark Side)

The skull:
Oh, I bet you’ve never seen a skull in the clouds before. No, sir, this is a totally original piece of work, and brilliantly executed at that. The way the bone fades into the sky is utterly convincing, and the big, awesome logo/eyepatch doesn’t at all detract from the symmetry of the design. BOO!

The music:
Gurgly death metal that sounds to me kind of like early Earache material, like Carcass, but slower. So basically, like Bolt Thrower trying to sound like Carcass. With Chris Barnes singing. Only way less fun than all of that sounds. WAY less. I’ve heard worse. I probably own worse. But, this is some seriously dull shit in my book, and considering this half-of-a-split-CD is the only commercial release from Sarcastic Terror, I’m just gonna go ahead and call this “inessential.”
— Friar Johnsen

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CARICATURE, Emptiness (1991, demo)

The skull:
Friar Wagner has a special affinity for trepanated skulls, for reasons I think are best left unsaid, and usually when The Council assigns holey skulls to him, but today I’m treated with a lovely French specimen. I’m hardly an expert in these areas, but the hole seems to be a fair bit larger than is needed to relive pressure. Perhaps this skull belonged to a autotrepanation addict, who just kept making the hole bigger and bigger to sate his weird peccadillo. He wouldn’t be the first guy to get carried away with his hobbies, though, and lord knows I’ve gone down the rabbit hole a few times myself, so I should be thankful, I suppose, that my vices don’t involve power drills.

The music:
It’s probably unfair to compare all Finnish death metal bands to Sentenced, just as it’s unfair to compare all Swedish death metal bands to Entombed. Really, it might be that early Sentenced sounds like Caricature, who were maybe the kings of Helsinki, but I just don’t know enough about the chronology and cross-pollination of that scene at its onset to say who was the leader and who the follower. But there’s no denying the strong national character that defined the sounds coming out of those Scandinavian nations in the late 80s and early 90s, and neverminding the chicken and egg problem, I know what Sentenced sounded like at the beginning, and Caricature sounds like that. The best comparison I can muster otherwise is Consuming Impulse-era Pestilence, but not nearly as good, or as piercingly bleak. This is fine stuff, if a bit raw, and while it’s hardly groundbreaking, if you like northern death metal from the dawn of the 90s, then you’ll probably like Caricature.
— Friar Johnsen

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MUTILATED, PSYCHODEATH LUNATICS (1988, demo)

The skull:
A screaming torsoless head. This is a good “face of the damned” kind of image, but of course the demo is titled “Psychodeath Lunatics” and really that doesn’t make any god damned sense. It’s a nice cover, and it makes good use of the two color format, but it feels like the image and the title were chosen without any consideration for the other. Par for the course, I suppose, but this was clearly a band who felt they were pushing the envelope of decency in 1988, so they really could have done a whole lot more here. Still, a good skull is a good skull. I shouldn’t complain. And yet…

The music:
Speedy but very precise thrash bordering on death metal. Like Propeller from a few days ago, this would surely have been called death metal when it was released, and it does bear a certain similarity to early Death, but Mutilated seem to have had a much better command of their instruments, even if they aren’t quite as good at writing riffs. I find this to be a little too one-dimensional, especially in the drumming department, but I wouldn’t say that Mutilated weren’t good at what they were doing, and frankly I’m a bit surprised that they didn’t really make it past the demo stage, because they were quite good compared to a lot of their peers. If you’re an oldschool death metal maven, then you should look for Mutilated, whose entire demo output was reissued on CD last year (itself with a BDS cover, to boot!)
— Friar Johnsen

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BUTTOCKS, …War Kills… (1990, demo)

The skull:
As a young friar, I spent most of my days in the priory studying the sacred texts of our order, contemplating the mysteries of the Skull, producing illuminated copies of Metal Forces back issues, and so forth. The usual duties of an ascetic. But on our day of rest (which is Wednesday according to the calendar most of you would be familiar with) we were encouraged to explore the surrounding forests and meadows and commune with our inner skull. One day, on a walk that took me many miles from the cloistered walls of my home, I encountered a stiff wind from the north, which soon brought a driving rain upon me. I sought refuge in a small copse of trees and huddled in my cowl beside a large rock, which afforded some cover from the elements. In the sheltered lee of this rock, I found the remains of a fire, and amid the ashes, soot, and charcoal, I saw a glimmer of white. I reached into the pile, and withdrew the white thing, which was the singed but mostly intact jacket of a cassette tape, the identity of which I assume now is obvious. As I waited for the storm to pass, I stared at this unlikely bit of detritus and pondered the significance of its title. I marveled at the chain of events that led me to this place and the discovery of a Big Dumb Skull heretofore unknown to my order. But above all, I giggled like a schoolboy because some band called themselves Buttocks and thought anyone would take their social commentary seriously.

The music:
Sadly, I was not able to find any songs from this demo, and had to content myself with a spin of their 1991 demo, Urcemurcel Turkus. It’s simple but slightly off-kilter Norwegian death metal, not dissimilar to the first Cadaver album, minus the tuba. Really, nothing special, which is sad, because I had such high hopes for Buttocks. There are a LOT of songs on this demo, though; far more than on their later recordings, and this makes me wonder if maybe they didn’t start as a Napalm Death style grind band. I may never know, but I take comfort in the fact that this ridiculous band existed at all.
— Friar Johnsen

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MORDAX, The Bitter End (1992, demo)

The skull:
Neverminding how ugly this cover is, think about how lazy it is. It’s one thing to cut a skull out of a book or an issue of National Geographic. It’s quite another to grab so uninteresting a skull from an anatomy textbook, with all the labeling numbers intact (and without the legend!) This is really the best skull they could steal? At least it’s huge – there’s barely any room for even the band’s shitty pixelated logo — and a huge bad skull is always preferred over a small badass skull. It says so right in the charter establishing The Council. Or at least, I think it does: my Latin is rusty.

The music:
Swedish death metal from 1992 that sounds like American death metal from 1990. Or something like that. The gurgly vocals are terrible, but there’s an undercurrent of weirdness here that I find strangely appealing. While the base influences are the likes of Death, Morbid Angel, and of course the bigger Swedish bands, the final product is odd in the way Demilich was odd, just not to the same extent. Unbelievably, this band and release are unknown to Metal Archives, although these is another Mordax (who ALSO have a BDS cover) listed. Quite a mystery! For all I know, this isn’t the cover the demo was released with originally, and really, this could just be some dumb-ass retro thing recorded in 2010 and doctored to look and sound old. Who knows, or cares? While this is not exactly my cup of tea, it is inexactly my cup of tea, and it’s fairly well done, especially for the time. Anyone with a serious love of early death metal should at least check this out. You’ll probably end up with the same warbly Nth generation dub that I found, but for something like this, that’s more than good enough.
— Friar Johnsen