SKULL470

Posted on April 15, 2014 by Friar Wagner

EMPERADOR, Gloria en la Oscuridad (2011, Unblack Metal Scene)

The skull:
This is a first: a skull split vertically down the middle. What manner of implement could cleave a skull in such a manner? Only a Ferm 800w Table Saw with Mitre Function 240V, and doncha know, the Ferm 800w Table Saw with Mitre Function 240V is the official circular table saw of Big Dumb Skulls. As Seen on TV: “When You’ve Got to Cleave a Skull and You’ve Gotta Do it Now, Make a Ferm Decision.”

The music:
Is there really a record label called Unblack Metal Scene Records? There is. And you can pretty much assume most if not all the bands on the roster are shit. If Swine Suicide and Willow Mount number among your favorite artists, then you either have terribly oppressive Christian parents who don’t care if the black metal you listen to sucks, or you simply have crappy taste in black metal — probably both. Emperador are not the worst offenders playing this sort of thing, but they’re a mess and they’re incredibly derivative of the Norwegian and Swedish black metal bands of the early ’90s. Except they love God, Christ and the Mother Mary. Great, huh? Not really. That everything was apparently recorded on a boom box in the basement doesn’t help their cause. There’s a fine line between sounding necro and sounding crappy. Guess which side of the line Emperador falls on? Nice try, and again, I’ve heard much worse, but this is pointless on a number of levels.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL469

Posted on April 14, 2014 by Friar Wagner

PICTURE, Eternal Dark (1983, Backdoor)

The skull:
This guy. This poor, naive guy. He primped and preened till his hair was just right; with help from his sister, it’s a shaggy mane all the Joe Elliott-lovin’ girls are gonna fall over themselves to stroke just once. One lucky lady just might get more than a chance to get her sexy bejeweled fingers all over this macho mane, and maybe other hairy parts too, know what I mean? And that silver-studded black choker, oh yeah, gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight at the Picture show. He’s so happy about all of this, you just hate to spoil it and remind him he’s missing an eyeball and has no skin anymore. He’s turning the color of moldy cheese too. Chicks don’t dig that. Girls gonna keep a wide berth tonight.

The music:
I’m not the biggest fan of Picture’s albums prior to this, or even after this, but Eternal Dark is one all fans of ’80s Euro metal should be familiar with. Along with tighter playing and better songwriting from the instrument-wielders, this album bettered Picture’s prior work by featuring new vocalist Pete Lovell. Lovell has a smooth midrange that finds all the right notes, and while something like “Make You Burn” is sub-NWOBHM that serves no good purpose and cannot be saved by the vocalist’s charms, other tunes like the title track, “Flying in Time” and “Into the Underworld” are colorful, infectious Euro metal burners. More than once I’m reminded of Washington state’s Fifth Angel — you can imagine those dudes worshipping Eternal Dark while they were putting their own band together and writing the songs that ended up on their great 1986 debut. Picture sounded like a clunky also-ran before and even after this album, but somehow everything lined up nicely in 1983, finding them with an album that could have at least shot them to the status of Krokus or Saxon. That didn’t happen, as we all know, but it should have. Although maybe there were one too many filler tunes or dorky lyrics or even an ineffectual label keeping them from grabbing the brass ring. Oh well — they’re apparently back together on the nostalgia circuit for those who still care.

— Friar Wagner

SKULL466

Posted on April 11, 2014 by Friar Wagner

POWERGOD, Evilution Part I (1999, Massacre)

The skull:
A custom-assembled fruit-and-nuts basket to the first Big Dumb Skulls reader who can identify what’s supposed to be happening here. I cannot decipher the meaning. All I see is a floating skull whose dome is so round that it looks more like a skull-shaped baseball than a baseball-shaped skull. This curious skull hovers in a sea of blue sky, surrounded by angels who could be emissaries of evil or good — they’re too small to really say for sure. I’ll go with evil. And the sword, well, its hilt in the foreground seems positioned to place some kind of importance on it, yet I cannot for the life of me figure out its purpose. The skull can’t possibly wield it (no arms or hands!), and the angels seem more concerned with the skull, flying about him like moths around a light bulb. The sword just sits there lonesome: “Hey, look at me! Somebody wield me! Anybody? Anybody up for some sword-wieldin’?” No takers. Very sad.

The music:
Powergod released five albums in a semi-confusing set of two series’: Three installments of this Evilution thing and two in the awkwardly-titled That’s Metal Lesson series. The latter are covers albums. This is the first installment of Evilution. What Powergod serves up is tough-as-nails heavy metal you’d expect from a German band in the late ’90s: equal parts Dio, Judas Priest, Helloween, Megadeth and Accept, modernized by relentless double bass and crystal-clear production. The vocalist is annoyingly whiny, the drum sound so “perfect” that its cold and brittle, and the aesthetic is too dumbed-down. What’s more, Powergod gets stuck between speedy power metal glory and knuckleheaded trad-metal way too often. In fact, dullard cock-rock anthem “No Brain No Pain” is truly, well, brainless. If you’re still buying new Hammerfall albums, you desperately miss Metalium and your favorite label is Pure Steel, then you need this in your collection. You probably already have it in your collection. All others: bust out those Lost Horizon albums again and forget about Powerglob.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL464

Posted on April 9, 2014 by Friar Wagner

NIHILIST, Call Down the Thunder (2006, self-released)

The skull:
A skull out of time. While this looks every shade of 1984, it’s actually an eyesore released in the modern age. Wonders never cease. And it’s another in the skull family of logo-eaters, something we’ve seen and been amused by a couple times already. The eyepatch and the hair are hilariously self-explanatory. (Especially the hair…he’s got the mane of a lion.) This skull’s here to rock! And to apparently call down the thunder. We see the lightning, so the thunder can’t be far behind. I’m going to guess this sounds exactly like Wild Dogs.

The music:
Are there really several young kids who love metal, meet up and form a band together who haven’t ever heard of the Swedish death metal band that has the rightful claim to the Nihlist name? Even if that name hasn’t been in use since the band changed their name to Entombed in 1989, you’d think anyone respectful of the genre’s history would leave the name alone. Or maybe they just don’t care? Anyway, what’s in a name? This Nihilist are from California and they play goofy, hard-rocking metal with a speedy element that isn’t quite thrash but gets close. Lots of dopey vocal phrasing that apes equally dopey riffs. This is their downfall, because otherwise its solid, serviceable metal, even if it’s nothing you’d cross the street to obtain. Occasionally you’ll hear a passage the reaches metal glory, as in “The Assault.” You have to respect their energy, and their tenacity (lots of self-releases over ten years’ time), but they’re generally useless unless you’ve just been introduced to heavy metal, and then I suppose they’d sound fairly fresh. They do a decent but pointless cover of Judas Priest’s “Freewhell Burning,” which provides a perfect example of what their originals attempt to achieve. Judging from the sound of the band plus the cover artwork, I’ll give them another few points for their total lack of irony; Nihilist (CA) seems to be a completely earnest, from-the-heart sort of endeavor. They probably don’t even have beards. Good on ’em for all that.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL462

Posted on April 7, 2014 by Friar Wagner

CREEPER, War Machine (2010, self-released)

The skull:
It’s the pointless skull I feel most sorry for. At least the ones getting smacked over the head with skateboards or balancing warheads on their foreheads are serving some sort of purpose. Take this guy, whose grim visage is slapped onto the album cover as a place-holder until the war machine itself arrives. He can’t possibly be the actual war machine. He may look evil, but he would be rather ineffective in battle, lacking limbs with which to drive a tank or fire a gun, or even press a button on a missile launcher. No, this skull is being used, and he’ll be tossed away as soon as the star of the show arrives, perhaps even blasted away by the war machine he’s standing in for. War is hell, and this skull has been condemned to be forgotten.

The music:
It’s fortunate that a lot of EPs have been coming my way lately here at Big Dumb Skulls, especially since so many have been so miserably below average. Creeper is perhaps the most unappealing band I’ve heard in a while. I will dole out one point for the David Wayne-esque shrieks in “Screamin’ Demon,” but ultimately this is entirely forgettable. These Texans play your standard brand of American groove/aggro metal, the kind of thing a person would like if their CD collection began with Pantera, ended with Metallica, and featured only Soulfly and Five Finger Death Punch in the middle. And that’s exactly how their 17 CDs would be displayed on the rack they made in wood shop, not having yet figured out the fine art of alphabetization.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL460

Posted on April 5, 2014 by Friar Wagner

RAZORMAZE, Miseries (2010, self-released)

The skull:
At first glance this cover looks absolutely KILLER. Look a little closer and you may find those five heads annoying, you might judge that the third eye doesn’t like quite right when it’s vertical (and apparently cut out of a J.C. Penney catalog), and you may feel that the wings on each side of the skull’s maxilla are incredibly stupid. I don’t feel any of those things. I already got this bitch tattooed on my back. Nah, I kid. I’m sorta bummed, being seduced at first by the orange color, which looks like the skull is sporting Janis Joplin-esque locks, which complements the sea-blue color of the orb behind him. It looked like a skull cover I could actually get behind and yes, even tattooed on my back, but now, no…I cannot look at this thing any longer.

The music:
Musically you’re gonna get a few great riffs here amidst some not-so-hot ones on this three-song EP. There’s a decent amount of melody here, and lots of energy too. These Boston kids play with commendable earnestness…possibly too much, as “Karma In/Karma Out” rocks out so hard that it sounds as much cock-rock as it does thrash metal. Yet…yet…the solo work in the middle is absolutely superb. The element I find annoying, and ruinous to an otherwise not-bad band, are the snottily-delivered vocals. They can be described as a cross between Joey Belladonna, Act III-era Mark Osegueda and Kurt Brecht, but much worse than that sounds. The gang vocals are lame too. But, from an objective standpoint, this is high-energy, capably-delivered, brightly-colored thrash befitting of the album cover. Mostly for those who don’t care a thing about innovation or originality, but they do have genuine elements of promise, especially guitarist Alex Citrone.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL458

Posted on April 3, 2014 by Friar Wagner

CAN OF WORMS, Can of Worms (2011, self-released EP)

The skull:
What is this mess? Maybe if you stare at the cover just right, not too intensely nor too lazily, you’ll see the image of a can of worms appear, or perhaps an actual depiction of a tricky situation which requires much effort to resolve. Like one of those random dot autostereograms. Yet I keep staring and all I see is an ugly, skinny, indistinct skull hovering through what appears to be Birmingham. Or maybe it’s Detroit.

The music:
French death/thrash, according to Metal Archives. And it’s weird, the last album I voluntarily listened to was Sepultura’s Arise, and then this band comes crashing into my transom with the exact same intent. And the skill level is nearly as high, but, no dice…Sepultura did it first and did it better. Memorability and song writing acumen are lagging far behind prime Sepultura as well. Broken record time: it’s been done before, in many different derivations. Even if Can of Worms are extremely good at what they’re doing, and I’ll admit that they are, there’s nothing here you can’t live without. Back to Arise it is then.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL456

Posted on April 1, 2014 by Friar Wagner

SEPTIC MIND, Истинный Зов (2011, Solitude Productions)

The skull:
Maybe because I’ve been craving Thai noodles lately, those flat and wide ones, I imagined this skull in a bed of said noodles. My stomach growled at the very thought, even if I am (mostly) vegetarian. I’d work around the skull just to get to those chewy strands of brown sauce-soaked glory. But alas, a closer look reveals this nest is made of much-less-edible wicker strands. The skull looks remarkably aged, and recently unearthed, judging from his dirty, scarred noggin. Whatever his age, it looks like the poor guy has been through hell. I say wrap him in some swaddling clothes and lie him in a manger. A manger of Pad See Ew. He deserves much more than a wicker nest.

The music:
After two albums, this Russian funeral doom band are already kaput. Their music is drawn-out slowness (surprise surprise!) with a decidedly hypnotic, dream-like feel, even more so than the usual funeral doom band. While I am no authority on this subgenre of a subgenre, Septic Mind are as intolerably boring as any other band in this genre, although their mystical characteristics — ambient sounds that trail through the entirety of each of the three compositions, and the drowsy, chiming, shoegaze-esque guitar tones — allow me to appreciate this album just a little bit. While I consider myself a fairly patient listener, it was difficult to not become anxious for the songs to reach their terminus long before they actually did. The songs do develop, and slowly, of course, but the payoff is never quite satisfying enough. Finally, as with so much of this stuff, the vocals slum it while the music aspires to something higher and more enlightened. Relatively interesting as funeral doom goes, while as instantly forgettable as it goes too. One (listen) and done.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL454

Posted on March 30, 2014 by Friar Wagner

SA Sanctuary, Abandon in Place (2011, Butchered)

The skull:
An under-achieving piece of cover “art” on every single level: the skull image is not only dull, but has been used before (skull366); the band’s name is one of those clunky territory-staking ones (is Sanctuary such an amazing name that you have to hold onto it at all costs?); and the album title makes absolutely no sense. Regarding the latter, I amuse myself by imaging this as a square dance call in some highly surrealistic alternate universe: “Swing your partner round and round / heads promenade around the town / gentlemen, abandon in place!” as the gentlemen perform difficult contortions that look like something from a dada dance troupe. The original cover did not feature a skull, but for god-knows-what reason it was reissued 10 years later with this masterpiece of artwork announcing to the world that SA Sanctuary are not to be forgotten!!!

The music:
SA Sanctuary play forgettable thrash. But first, the name: what is it with San Antonio bands and their unflagging loyalty to their name? First it was Slayer, who changed their name to SA Slayer, then it was Sanctuary, who changed it to SA Sanctuary when the Seattle Sanctuary got signed to a major. Is it worth all the fuss? No, it is not. SA Sanctuary sound like Acrophet. Or a Bizarro World version of Forbidden, where great bands in the real world are mirrored by lesser, failed facsimiles of themselves. Lots of gang vocals too. Typical of many Texas metal bands on the thrashier end of the spectrum, they have a fair amount of traditional metal melody creeping in. Seattle’s Sanctuary are way better. I hear SA Chozzen Phate have a new reissue set coming out, although no one is even sure if there’s actually another Chozzen Phate that forced this addendum to their name. We suspect they did it because it’s just what San Antonio metal bands do.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL452

Posted on March 28, 2014 by Friar Wagner

PLAGUE WARHEAD, Whores of Lucifer (2011, Godeater)

The skull:
If I’m reading into the deeply embedded subtext correctly, the upside crosses represent Lucifer and the skull is the whore. The skull’s eye holes are being penetrated by nine lascivious crosses — and a huge dagger cleaving through the skull’s head for good measure. This is perhaps the grossest violation of a skull’s orifices we have ever seen here at Big Dumb Skulls, although one wonders: why not some hot and nasty penetration of the nasal cavity? It’s a gaping hole just waiting to be sullied. Or maybe it’s just a skull with a bunch of crosses stuffed into its eyes — no pornographic overtones whatsoever. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? But that’s no fun…and that’s how hardened we’ve become here at BDS. Now anything less than nine crosses fucking dry eyeless sockets is going to seem pedestrian.

The music:
While they can confidently be called “death metal,” Plague Warhead’s riffing and drumming are far more thrash metal than the norm, so it is that the band are often dubbed “death/thrash.” And while calling Plague Warhead death/thrash automatically makes them seem unappealing (because of the zillions of death/thrash bands that suck), these guys are quite good at their chosen craft. It’s so 2002 up in this joint! There’s some particularly good bass playing and a few hair-raising moments of Slayer-esque dissonance in “Forces of Evil” (bet you’ve never seen a song title like that before), and again, they’re going to satisfy metal fans that want this exact sort of thing — they’re certainly better than 90% of other bands in this vein. That said, Plague Warhead delivers not a damn bit of individual personality to their music, so one listen and I’m done. Benny Larsson (Edge of Sanity, Pan-Thy-Monium) is the drummer here, and while I wouldn’t say he’s totally slumming, I’d say he’s mostly slumming. But when you’ve been in two bands that godly, where do you go from there? Plague Warhead, I guess. I’ll be waiting for them to write a song called “The Skull is the Whore,” and then — and only then — will I listen again.
— Friar Wagner