Author Archives: Friar Wagner

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U.D.O., Timebomb  (1991, BMG Ariola)

The skull:
“Hey guys, check it out! I can balance this warhead on my forehead!” All lit up, as in
drunk, and literally lit up (eye sockets aglow with radiation), the pale orange skull that
all the other skulls try their best to avoid is at it again. Fuckin’ Rodney. Such
a jerk. Always hamming it up at the Big Dumb Skulls Christmas party, and here he goes
again. I mean, god, the nerve, especially with that arsenal of missiles behind him…one
false move and this is the last BDS Christmas party, ever. We were never really sure what
the tubing was all about, or whatever’s hanging from his left eye, but we’ll never find out either. BLAM-O! went the place, with a number of casualties, even more injured, and a hell of a mess to clean up. The sad post-script to all this is that U.D.O.’s record label wouldn’t allow his concept album about the event be titled Warhead On My Forehead. They used the skull’s posthumous nickname instead. R.I.P. Rodney “Timebomb” Schmidt.

The music:
When Udo Dirkscheider left Accept and formed U.D.O., he started out strong: debut Animal House was basically an Accept album in all but name. It slowly devolved in a dire direction thereafter. Eventually all the nuance, class and intelligence of prime Accept was gone. But it’s not all bad — if you are a fan of the first Accept run (1979-1986) you’ll find a few songs on each of U.D.O.’s first handful of albums that do his legacy and former band proud. As full albums, though, most don’t hold up to repeated listens. The lyrics started getting stupider with each new release, and by the late ’90s U.D.O. became a dumbed-down Accept and a redundant bore. What about Timebomb? It’s considered one of the best in U.D.O.’s long and ongoing slog, and while I appreciate its intensity and the fire that went into its making (much more inspired than dull trudges like Mean Machine) some of this makes any IQ I have tumble into the single digits. There really is a fine line between stupid and clever, and a lot of this is the stupid to Accept’s clever. Like “Kick in the Face.” And check out the song titles: “Metal Maniac Master Mind,” “Powersquad,” and “Thunderforce,” with lines like “Thunderforce, thunderforce, striking the universe / thunderforce, thunderforce, getting attacked, I’m fighting back.” What is this, a Power Rangers soundtrack? “Powersquad” sounds like a damn Jackyl b-side. Then there are the high points, noteworthy moments like the solo sections of “Back in Pain” and the title track, which are certifiably awesome; not just the solos, but the majestic passages underneath. Still, even if Timebomb is near the top of the pile by the stunted measuring stick we measure U.D.O. albums by, it still has that assembly-line vibe which permeates all U.D.O. albums. Set ’em up, knock ’em down, next…set ’em up, knock ’em down, next…set ’em up, knock ’em down, next…and so on.
— Friar Wagner

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SUPREME LORD / CHTON – Two Tales of Terror split (2003, Time Before Time)

The skull:
Stark and bleak, this skull seems to be deteriorating into the black…it won’t be long before he’s dust. He looks forlorn, as if knowing his fate, made that much sadder because, although at one time he was a robust, strong specimen of a skull with great vigor and ambition, all he got was this gig on a split cassette pressed in a mere 333 copies. “I guess we can’t all be that Krokus skull,” he wearily laments.

The music:
We’ve already covered the music of Norwegian band Chton with Skull186, and their music remains pretty much the same on this cassette: both “Book of Black Earth” and “Crawling Chaos” were on that album, so there’s no need to go into it here, although I will say I enjoy their ultra-ugly old-school death metal sound, which works in an area of corrupted, unhealthy noise a la Rottrevore and some of the early Finnish death metal bands… but I’m not fully committed to them either. A passing listen is fine enough. Poland’s Supreme Lord are of the typically high musical standard as many other of their countrymen, but you’ll probably only get into them if you’re needing more Deicide-meets-Immolation-meets-Morbid Angel worship. Yep, Supreme Lord are patterned after early ’90s US death metal, although they’re just a couple levels rawer and noisier than the aforementioned. Something like “Dark Heresies” even blasts monomaniacally enough that it flirts with that whole slam-death bullshit, but never entirely sinks to that level. They almost gain back those lost points with the short but super-crazy noise-solo section of “Isolated.” Even if this was a somewhat enjoyable, interesting listen while it lasted, ultimately this is a totally non-mandatory, dispensable death metal split tape.
— Friar Wagner

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WARCALL, Demonarchy  (2009, Panoptic)

The skull:
Swamped in a surfeit of yellow/brown, we’re already off to a bad start. Why are dirty yellows and browns such a popular choice amongst amateur metal album cover artists everywhere? A lotta people looking for jobs at Nuclear Blast, apparently. So, what’s going on here? Apparently this is Warcall’s vision of a “demonarchy,” but with all due respect to the power of the skull, you really gotta do something more than plop a skull down into the scene to spark a “demonarchy.” I think so anyway…I’ll know for sure once I nail down exactly what a demonarchy is. A planet ruled by one omnipotent demon, or a demon that endorses anarchy? We see United Nations-like symbology being taken over by this skull, who is apparently the demon, and he sits atop what look like unwieldy and incredibly thick-handled knives, or shovels. I’m gonna call them garden shovels. Goddamn it, I’m confused. I give up. Warcall & Skulldemon, 1, Friar Wagner, 0

The music:
Great. More melodic death metal that digs back about as far as In Flames’ Whoracle for inspiration. At least, it seems this is as deep as the well of inspiration runs for this Canadian band, judging by the 10 songs (and one intro) here. Warcall are Canadians who really really want to sound Swedish. They do a pretty good job of achieving their aim too, as it’s well-played and well-recorded, every ingredient in its right place and exemplifying the style perfectly. But (and holy shit, stop me yet again if I sound like a broken record) it’s absolutely derivative and generic beyond imagining. Nothing sticks, nothing interesting, nothing memorable. Remember the “About” section of this blog, how I note that Big Dumb Skulls’ mission is, in part, to investigate the correlation between the totally unoriginal idea of having a skull on your album cover and the music inside? Here you have it. Investigation complete. Warcall have made any additional investigations pointless. We now know for sure. Thanks guys.
— Friar Wagner

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VALOTON, Beastificate  (2010, Hammer Of Hate)

The skull:
With an, uh, octagram behind him, this skull looks kingly/goofy in all that accoutrement:
majestic and humongous ram horns, stuff that looks like black broom hairs growing off his
chin, and a vague spongy mass atop his head that’s either a hairnet or brains. He’s really
beastificating here, that’s for sure. There are enough metal skull covers featuring ram
horns fused to a human skull that the Council have considered opening up an entirely
separate branch of Big Dumb Skulls to handle all of them. This one would rank right at the
top.

The music:
I looked at the cover, the genre, the label, and looked at Finland as the country
of origin and figured it all pointed to Horna worship, ie. black metal in its strictest,
most violent, and purest form. But no — Valoton operate in an area that’s much more
technical, melodic and well-recorded, reminding of that early ’90s Swedish melodic death
metal sound mixed with the kind of modernized approach Gorgoroth took on the Incipit Satan album, but less varied and totally Nuclear Blast-y, if you get what I mean. Far more refined than their Finnish black metal peers, don’t be surprised if someday you see Valoton rubbing shoulders at the summer festivals next to bands like Hypocrisy and Behemoth. As for individual highlights throughout the album, there aren’t any — Valoton are good at what they do, but practically every song sounds the same. This interchangability is accepted these days by a lot of people, so hey, good luck to ’em. I’m at least glad I didn’t have to sit here and listen to the umpteenth Horna wanna-be.
— Friar Wagner

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BALMOG / DEATHROW – Odium Mors / Neverending Rain split (2009, Bloody Productions)

The skull:
Gracing the Balmog side of this split, here we have yet another skull doing service for Satan, particularly his servants Balmog. The skull sits humbly, looking bored, probably thinking “geez, how did I become yet another skull encircled in occult symbols and some Latin title. Why can’t I get a gig like that Axe Minister skull, or at least a steady paying gig with Black Label Society?” Nah, there isn’t much of note here, especially that we haven’t seen before, but he sports a nice set of upper choppers, more than making up for the complete lack of lower ones.

The music:
Balmog’s “Odium Mors” track is quite good. These Spaniards have studied their mid-paced Gorgoroth, as this song has that Infernus-style guitar scraping, something both caustic and sweeping in its diabolical tone. Vocals are varied and on the lower side of the scale, avoiding the patented screech most black metal vocalists skate by on. (There are moments that reference Attila Csihar’s work on Mayhem’s De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, although no one has ever successfully captured that particular vibe). The recording is clear, powerful and crisp, bringing plenty of darkness despite its pro-recorded slickness. It’s not an anemic Dimmu Borgir-slick or anything, but it is remarkable that an obscure black metal band are recording this kind of material with this sort of production aesthetic. Derivative of Gorgoroth and Mayhem, then, but pretty good regardless. Reviewing the Deathrow side of the split isn’t mandatory, sayeth the Council, since their artwork is sans skull. And I prefer to ignore them, since they ignored the fact that there were two bands of note bearing the Deathrow (or Death Row) name prior to their existence, and 1) if they knew that but chose to overlook it, they’re idiots, and 2) If they don’t know who the German Deathrow is, they’re idiots.
— Friar Wagner

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HIGHGATE, Black Frost Fallout  (2009, They Used Dark Forces)

The skull:
Can’t help but think of Carcass’ Tools of the Trade EP when looking at this cover. But this image is starker: a skull in the middle surrounded by, uh, 2 x 4s, or wood-chopping wedges, or some sort of spike, or who knows what. It’s like a bleak industrial rendition of a sunflower. Like a sunflower planted in ash that only grows at night and is watered with piss. And since “black frost fallout” sounds like something related to “nuclear winter,” I’m starting to get the picture: these guys probably don’t sound like Edguy.

The music:
Highgate definitely does not sound like Edguy. Theirs is a labored, dry, harrowing brand of sludge (with black metal elements) that isn’t at all appealing, but probably isn’t meant to be. It’s ugly music for when you want exactly that, and it’s no fun at all. It’s also rather dull; making it through even the first five minutes of this compilation was a chore, but a friar does what a friar’s gotta do. Even when they bust out into black metal-esque speed (and vocals), as on “The Wolf,” it’s like Eyehategod playing Ildjarn songs. Not good. They really need to do something about this guitar sound too. It’s so tight, compact and dry, they lose all heaviness, or unearthliness, or any other sort of vibe they might have been going for.
— Friar Wagner

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AXE MINISTER, Evil Grows  (1989, demo)

The skull:
“Gimme something I can use!” this Friar has screamed many a time over the past 268 skulls, and thankfully Axe Minister delivers upon my request. This is a truly great cover. This skull is totally overwhelmed by evil, and may be turning evil himself, judging by those fangs. That’s not the only thing sprouting on this cover:  the grass he’s embedded in seems to have a wicked thorny vine growing out of it, which ensnares the skull and threatens to return him to the Earth from whence he came. The fact that this struggle is taking place in what looks like a hellish lightning storm shows very clearly that this skull has a hell of a lot on his hands right now. (The fact that he lacks hands is yet another troublesome aspect of the skull’s plight). I’m betting the vine and storm win out.

The music:
Musically this is sorta like Show No Mercy and Tales of Terror played by the earliest lineup of Flotsam and Jetsam. As legendary as such a marriage should produce? Nah. The songs aren’t as strong, but the vibe is there and the musicianship is solid.  Although this came out in 1989, it sounds so 1984 it’s not funny. They could have been on Metal Massacre IV. A few super-fast moments nudge in, as in “The Force of Fire,” showing its true vintage, but most of this would have probably sounded “old” even if you’d heard it right there in 1989. Unfortunately the vocals are pretty bad, sounding like a fat pizza delivery guy shouting his aggro out between illicit bites of crust that he hasn’t totally swallowed yet. With a better vocalist, this could be worthy of the “demo reissue on CD 25 years later” treatment. It was, in fact, reissued with some live tracks on the obscure Chunks Of Meat label, so somebody out there thinks a lot of it. If you have any nostalgia at all for those early Metal Massacre comps and that greasy, clanky early speed/thrash sound, this is definitely worth a listen.
— Friar Wagner

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DEAD MAN’S HAND, Dead Man’s Hand  (2006, demo)

The skull:
Razor…brass knuckles…bullet hole through forehead…fiery noggin. Maybe I’m just getting desensitized to all this, but this is a lame cover. This sort of tattoo-ready Black Label Society-meets-hardcore sort of imagery is BEAT, people. Stop using it. It certainly doesn’t get me excited to hear the music which, after 266 skulls, we can’t expect to be life-changing, can we? Forgive me if I appear cynical…

The music:
Golly…wouldn’t you know it? This is no good. Technically, it’s well-played. There is no sloppiness here. They are very aggressive. They would appeal to people who cannot get enough of Slaughter of the Soul filtered through lazier musicians who don’t care a thing for nuance or subtlety of any kind. It’s like this band thinks Carnal Forge and The Haunted are the BEST BANDS EVER. I love Slaughter of the Soul, but I’m as tired of the endless iterations on that theme as you are, and I cannot take any more watered-down cloning of that sound. So ends one of the most useless entries into the halls of the Big Dumb Skull as there ever was. Goodbye.
— Friar Wagner

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MAN AMONG STARS, Beginning  (2005, demo)

The skull:
What are we to gather from this apparently profound image? The band name, infinity symbol and other cosmic symbols in the logo seem to acknowledge man as but a speck of dust during his brief time on Earth. Maybe it’s that from our beginnings, like, the Big Bang, it’s all been misery after that. Maybe they’re conveying that the only sure things in life are Catholicism, famine and death. I personally have never endured any of those, although I know one of them is gonna happen someday. (Well, I was at a Catholic wedding once, and it wasn’t much fun, but I survived.) Maybe I can’t relate to this cover, or don’t have the brains to understand it, but really this just looks like your typical skull plopped down in an image full of cosmic and religious signifiers that don’t actually make a whole lot of sense when snapped together like this.

The music:
This demo was limited to a mere 10 copies, presumably released on CD-R, making this one of the rarest skulls in existence if you own an original. Which means you’re either in the band or a friend of the band. But even if you are one of the lucky 10, you don’t have much to brag about. The recording is predictably basement-level necro, which works if the music is good, but the music delivers zero evilness — all mid-paced, unimaginative riffs and plodding rhythms — and the black metal vocals are completely ridiculous. It sounds like the guy is humming really loud, not evening opening his mouth. There’s a “pagan/nature” sort of element here too, with almost-as-terrible clean vocals leading the feeble charge. This was the band’s first recording, and they’ve released several recordings since, which have to be better than this, because it’s impossible to be worse.
— Friar Wagner

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CARRION, Evil is There  (1985, demo)

The skull:
Peekaboo, I see you! How cute, this bashful little skull peering out what looks like a broken window, rendered in a quick sketch by someone who was probably asked by the band, “Hey, we got a demo to release, you want to draw something?” Seven minutes later, Carrion have a demo cover. But if evil was the intent, they hired the wrong artist. He looks envious of the other child-skulls playing in the park while he mopes inside his shabby little ramshackle house. This shy little child-skull is hardly even old enough to know evil — he’s still wearing braces, for Pete’s sake. No, evil is not here.

The music:
This is the band that morphed into the better-known Poltergeist, one of the earliest signings to Century Media. Back in 1985, Carrion epitomized early speed metal, that place where fast traditional metal and true thrash metal meet. This is clearly German (well, Swiss), but more in the vein of Iron Angel, early Blind Guardian, and even a speedier Oz. Even a bit of a Hallows Eve Tales of Terror vibe here. They don’t quite have the memorable songs or purposeful thrust of those four bands, but it’s okay nonetheless. Nostalgia-wise, it wins a few points — it totally drips “1985,” if you know what I mean. This demo was truly a testing ground for the band’s first album, released in 1986, also titled Evil Is There! (with an exclamation mark), as the track list for album and demo are almost identical. The album cranked up the velocity and intensity by a few degrees, which I guess explains the added punctuation mark. If you’re an aficionado of German speed/thrash (and you better be!) the album is probably a good addition to your collection. Even if they’re Swiss, their German connection and their sound itself makes them the EF Band of the first-wave German thrash movement. The demo is simply an interesting relic, nothing more or less.
— Friar Wagner