Author Archives: Friar Wagner

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MERENDINE ATOMICHE, Walk Across Fire (2003, Deadsun)

The skull:
Walk across fire or float across an exploding taffy factory. Same difference.

The music:
This band’s name basically means “Atomic Snacks,” which makes me think they should tour with Acid Drinkers and Spider Kickers. It would go musically, too, as these Italians play thrash. And, like the Kickers and the Drinkers, it’s not great thrash, but it is thrash. Totally sounds like an early ‘90s Brit-thrash band: standard-issue riffs, dry recording, half the energy of the early Metallica albums they’re inspired by and none of the songwriting acumen. At best, it’s like Annihilator’s worst.
— Friar Wagner

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FRONT BEAST / MEPHISTO, In League With Evil Metal  (2006, Iron Tyrant)

The skull:
A couple centuries from now, when Big Dumb Skulls – The Big Dumb Coffee Table Book has replaced the Bible as the best-selling book of all time, children will ask their parents and grandparents things like “What was the first big dumb skull ever in the world?,” “Why does Proclamation like horns so much?,” and “What’s your favorite dumb skull, daddy?” It’s likely many of the queried elders will answer of the latter question, “Why, Timmy, I do believe the Front Beast / Mephisto split was the very epitome of the Big Dumb Skull cover: chains, horns, fangs, barbed wire, the Iron Cross. Had it all. Ne’er was a finer one, I’d say.” To which Timmy would reply, “Daddy, what’s a ‘front beast?’”

The music:
Front Beast is terrible. One-man band basement black metal with super-sloppy drumming, crappy riffs, and vocals that make that guy from Switzerland’s Messiah sound like Tony Harnell. This latter element has a weird sort of appeal, but only for a minute or so. They do a cover of Burzum’s “Ea, Lord of the Depths,” which completely lacks the haunting, spectral vibe of the original. It’s obvious this guy took his band’s name from an early, non-album Destruction song because he prefers to think of himself as pretty obscure – I’m also sure this dude is one of those types that thinks Destruction sold out with Infernal Overkill. Mephisto is also terrible. It’s one thing to be raw, feral, primal and all that, but quite another to attempt a spooky melodic intro as in “Fullmoon Damnation” and have the guitars be so wildly out of tune that you’re almost embarrassed for the boys. The drumming is borderline competent, and the vocals are the usual Angelripper-meets-Quorthon sort of deal. It’s all ham-fisted as hell, like early Tiamat playing early Sodom songs while wearing oven mitts. There’s a fine line between audacious primitivism and just plain underwhelming crud like Mephisto.
— Friar Wagner

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ELYSIAN BLAZE, Prophecies of Misery (2003, demo)

The music:
It was looking real good for Elysian Blaze’s first demo cover. Got the fancy border all set, that was a nice start…then went all crazy with the E & B in the logo, made it look real fine, really classy. Got it all nice and centered. “Lookin’ ace!” said the one man in this one-man band. Then came the time to decide what to put inside all that black space. The possibilities were infinite, the world was their oyster, this could be an incredible looking demo…and they blew it. Really, Mutatiis? Really???

The music:
Elyzian Blaze has a sterling reputation amongst lovers of the funeral doom/black metal fusion. And they have an album with the superb title of Blood Geometry. And indeed they deserve all the accolades they get for the albums, yet this early demo is a bit of a snoozer. It’s pretty much exactly what you would imagine a one-man band fusing black metal and funeral doom to sound like, and nothing more. The only remotely interesting thing here is that the slower moments are not only slow, but rather quiet, which gives depth to the overall sound picture – droning piano, creepy whispering, floating, ghostly, gothic wind tunnel sound effects. That kinda thing. But it’s hardly great, and the drum machine sounds like crap. Which is par for the course with one-man black metal. There were better things ahead for E.B., including cover art.
— Friar Wagner

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IN ARKADIA, Regurgitate (2012, self-released)

The skull:
You know that 3D novelty sticker image people put on the rear window of their car, the one that makes it appear as if a baseball is lodged in the window, with a cobweb of cracks around it? Well, Big Dumb Skulls have jumped on the bandwagon, and with the partnership of In Arkadia, and as long as the Council of the Elders of the Skull approve the marketing budget, we should have our Big Dumb Window Skull on the market by early 2015.

The music:
Thank god this digital single is a mere two songs long, clocking in for a cozy total of 8:36, because I don’t think I can take much more groove-steeped melodic deathcore. By now it’s been co-opted, slaughtered, over-baked and stripped of all goodness by thousands of bands in the last 10 years. And really, it was never a good idea in the first place, so take a bad idea and make it worse? Yeah, good plan, everybody. Good plan. “Regurgitate”? No kidding. We hereby withdraw our partnership with you from Big Dumb Window Skull, Inc.™
— Friar Wagner

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MALICIOUS DAMAGE, Malicious Damage (1989, demo)

The skull:
How many seconds do you think it took them to come up with this one?

The music:
I was hoping for some delicious jammage from this four-song, 11-minute tape. I mean, death/thrash metal from Florida circa 1989? I’m in. What we get is some fairly standard thrash, no more, no less. It’s fast, that’s for sure, but it was already getting a bit late for new thrash bands to enter the scene, bust down the door and impress. Pretty sure this demo got a handful of okay reviews in the ‘zines despite a mostly “ho hum” reception from the greater metal world. I was around then, totally immersed in metal of all kinds, reading shitloads of ‘zines, and I don’t remember any sort of buzz on Malicious Damage. The vocalist sneers like a Zetro-meets-Killian madman, and it’s both annoying and impressive at the exact same time. You have to credit his ferocity. Musically it recalls those vocalists’ bands, merging the off-kilter madness of early Exodus with the more disciplined frenzy of Vio-lence. Unfortunately it’s more Acrophet than Gammacide, if you know what I mean. I have to give special mention to the guitar sound, which is a warped, overdriven, vacuum-cleaner kinda thing at its best (opener “Can’t Escape”). Weirdly, it sounds like the demo was recorded in separate sessions, as there’s a much cleaner guitar sound by the time you get to third song, “Killing Season.” Or maybe you’re just used to it by then. Inexplicably, the band returned in 2005 with an EP proceeded to put three self-released albums out there that, I’m going to imagine, were received with only lukewarm enthusiasm. Helluva demo cover though, yeah!
— Friar Wagner

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ASH BORER, Ash Borer (2011, Psychic Violence)

The skull:
All kinds of “hipster alert” sirens going off right now in my office. First, the occult-looking skull, the design of which could be a Death in June or Brighter Death Now image, co-opted by some California atmospheric black metal band. And the fact that it’s shaped like a cassette. And, indeed, it was released on cassette. My concerns far outweigh any impact the actual skull is having right now. But what about him? This guy looks glassy and carbon-black, and the storm a-ragin’ behind him is nothing like the storm in my mind, knowing I might be having to grapple with yet another bearded clan of hipsters who I could never, ever relate to. Let’s see about that…

The music:
Three songs, nearly 40 minutes. Okay, you can already see where this is going. Think Krallice. I’m thinking Krallice, anyway. Which is not the worst thing to think, if I’m honest with myself. The opening track, “In the Midst of Life, We are in Death,” has an ominous dose o’ doom running through its center. Then blazing black metal busts down the gates of doom and lets rip. It’s fine. It’s even fairly authentic. But it gets real dull, real fast. And ditto on the other two tracks. Scathing, blazing, full-tilt madness when it’s not moving extremely slowly, this is competent and boring. It feels like background music much of the time. And black metal of any kind should never feel like background music. In fact, I don’t even believe in background music. So I guess I don’t believe in Ash Borer, even though I know they exist.
— Friar Wagner

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BLACK JESUS, Black Jesus Saves (2010, demo)

The skull:
Just like Columbus Day – which it is on the day I write this – we all pretty much know Jesus wasn’t white, but we still think of him as a white dude anyway. Same thing with Columbus…we all know the story, but we’ll take the day off. Well, “we” as in bankers and postal workers — the rest of us are Viking-lovers patiently awaiting our holiday. I digress. The idea of a black Jesus, or a dark-skinned Jesus, is not only historically appropriate, but it makes for some great Blaxploitation b-movie imagery, don’t it? And this skull…this skull is fly. It’s not the actual skull of (black) Jesus, but he’s right on nonetheless. He foxy. Betchya sweet ass. He’s tight, together and mean. Chicks…chumps…he uses ‘em all. Indeed, we believe this may be the skull of Willie Dynamite, but we’ll get back to you. Our forensics expert need a little more time on that.

The music:
These eight songs and nearly nineteen minutes of crudely recorded noise sounds like a rawer, more savage Diskord without the surreal, hallucinatory quality. With its militantly basics-only approach, it also has a Nunslaughter vibe. Every song rips ass, short and sweet, and if you didn’t think a band was out there that combined Diskord and Nunslaughter, well, think again. Add some Autopsy and Repulsion-ish flavors, and you pretty much get where this is going. There’s even a hint of ingenuity in a song like “The Devouring” with its odd dissonant guitar melodies and the tractors-tumbling-down-a-hill calamity of the whole thing. At 3:39, it’s the epic of the demo. I enjoyed this probably more than I should have.
— Friar Wagner

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MORPHINIST, Believer (Transcendent Bringer of Light) (2013, demo)

The skull:
Father, mother and son alike had no idea what the fuck happened. They walked into Applebee’s for their regular Monday night dinner treat, and, as usual, dad asked for a placemat (and crayons) so the kid wouldn’t get bored waiting for the food to arrive. Then this creepy goth kid comes over and slaps this down on the table. The crayons would not write on its weird parchment-like surface, and the maze little Dylan was supposed to navigate was one of dark impossibility. Confounded and frustrated, he didn’t so much cry as scream a nightmarish, possessed howl…the futility of the maze and the skull beckoning inside it proved way too much for this seven-year-old who hadn’t yet gotten over his fear of Barney the Dinosaur. It’s too bad they’d never go to an Applebee’s again — everyone in the family really liked the apps, especially the grilled chicken wonton tacos.

The music:
From the demo title, both the main and the parenthetical part, you might think this is Christian metal of some kind. But then Morphinist released another demo in 2013 called Disbeliever (Descent Into Endless Darkness), so I guess they’re playing on both sides of the philosophical stream. And it’s not they, but he: Morphinist is a one-man show outta Hamburg – and the dude has been in 10 other bands I swear on a stack of skulls you’ve never heard of before. So, what about the music itself? For one-man black metal, the sound is reasonably full and the music is delivered with above-average ability. When the guitars start getting cosmic, chiming out blurry meteor showers on the higher frets, it’s entrancing. But the hypnosis doesn’t last, and ultimately these two long songs (both 14+ minutes) become so excruciatingly boring that it leads to a kind of impatient aggravation. The main problems isn’t that that the parts are bad (lots of them are legitimately good, no doubt) but it has an empty feeling. Maybe that’s what he’s going for, but really, this is instrumental metal that fails where so much other instrumental metal fails: it is glaringly instrumental. A good instrumental metal band should never let you feel like you’re missing something (vocals)… their music should capture the interest wholly and totally so that you don’t even realize a singer is missing. Canvas Solaris was really good at that. Morphinist, however, is not…yet, man, there are some killer passages in first song “Sleep for the Sleepless, Vanquish Your Cage of Flesh,” which reminds of Morbus Chron’s Sweven both musically and in the images its title conjures. There are some fine parts in the second song too (another long title), but you just wish for something else to fill in the gaps here…squishy Moog synth lines…Arcturus-ish guitar leads…or vocals. Later Morphinist (like, the three albums he released in 2014) features some vocals, so maybe I’ll check that out someday.
— Friar Wagner

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LOBOTOMIA, Lobotomia (1986, New Face)

The skull:
This might just be the most spike-ridden skull in the entire Skullection. This dude was in for a world of hurt when he auditioned for this job. Not only did the artist impale the bastard with long needle-like spikes so he could draw his tortured likeness, he stuck all the drumsticks from his KFC bucket into various orifices of the skull. And where there wasn’t an orifice, the artist made one. And only then did he draw this piece of art. As for the skull, this was low pay for high pain, and he’ll never do this shit again. Dude went home shaken to the core, warning his skull palls to “never, ever, ever apply for that Lobotomia job.” It’s advice any skull would do well to heed.

The music:
In Sao Paulo circa 1986, any band going for a mesh of thrash and speed metal and hardcore could only come out sounding like this…which is to say they sound like early Ratos de Parao. It’s bouncy stuff, especially with that bass guitar sounding like it came off some early Metal Blade album:  fat and prominent, despite being kinda low-fi. The music on the whole is fast, fairly vicious, and raw, but not exactly dark or sinister, unlike the more black/death-oriented extreme metal coming from Brazil at the time. It’s okay but lacks distinctive atmosphere and offers very little in the way of memorability. In the end, my basic response is: “yeah, early Brazilian thrash core…what else ya got?” Next…
— Friar Wagner

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TREPANATION, Hideous Black Abyss (2013, demo)

The skull:
What we’d really like to see is one of these bands that glorifies trepanation actually be practicing, uh, treppaners, performing live with their holes showing. They could stick stuff in their holes every now and then — a mic stand, a guitar headstock, a drum stick, that sort of thing. If a few bands arise around the same time taking it to the next level like this, perhaps we’ll see a Trepanation Nation tour package. Sky’s the limit! But until then, a bunch of skulls will have to do the dirty work for these bands, and this has resulted in a small, elite subset of the Big Dumb Skull. This guy did his trepanning in a most unorthodox way, taking the route of going up underneath his head and busting out on top. Curiouser yet is the five-pronged stick with which he did this. Come to think of it, the way the eye sockets convey a weary, wild, unwilling, overly-tired look, you wonder if this guy was trepanned against his will. Shit, this ain’t nothin’ but an impaling! Lame. We want our money back.

The music:
The members of this New Zealand trio dress themselves in a manner that recalls Revenge-meets-Sarcofago. Their music never quite gets there though. It’s definitely fucked up and extreme and noisy and all that, but the lack of imagination, or the lack of unhinged, screw-loose realness, never gets off the ground to take flight. As nasty as it’s trying to be, and with all the accouterments one would need to follow in the wake of Revenge and Sarcofago and the like, Trepanation really never convinces on any meaningful level. They sound very much like students that will never rise to the level of the masters. I checked out a live video of the band after listening to this demo, and their shtick comes off better in that realm. It’s still a few significant rungs lower than their masters, and doesn’t captivate quite like it should, but their live performance is very good, so I think the demo turned out way, way too clean for the “hideous black abyss” they were promising. Maybe they’ll get it right next time.
— Friar Wagner