Monthly Archives: June 2014

SKULL536

Posted on by
Reply

DIO, The Collection  (2003, Spectrum)

The skull:
It hasn’t been an easy road for Kane Roberts since Alice Cooper sent the musclebound guitarist packing. Looking to expand on his solo album work, he took on a mythological musical persona, bearing a hammer-shaped guitar and dubbing himself the God of Thunder. This project performed the kind of goofy heavy metal you’d expect. But that failed before it ever really took off when Thor (the crappy Canadian singer, not the actual god) sent him a cease and desist. He then auditioned for Manowar, and even though DeMaio was impressed with Kane’s physique, they chose a guy whose muscle was more musical than physical (the gangly Karl Logan, he of the awesome bangs). Depressed and desperate for a gig (steroids ain’t cheap), Kane was hired as a hand model. It was embarrassing work. Years flew by and he saw his metal glory days slipping into the past with each gray, desolate day. Then, in 2003, some bullshit record label called Spectrum brought in a skull for Kane to model with. Upon learning that this photo shoot was being used for a greatest hits album by Dio, the guitarist schmoozed around until he got Ronnie himself on the phone. “Hey Ronnie, I really respect your work. I’d love to play guitar with you someday. Do you currently have an opening?” Said Ronnie, “Sorry man, I just hired Craig Goldy back. I reckon he’ll be with me till the day I die.” And that is exactly what happened. Kane Roberts hand models to this day. He lives in Flint, Michigan with his wife, 17 dobermans, and an old snake inherited from Cooper. He still plays guitar, and plays it better than that Goldy twerp.

The music:
I’m not sure who buys these sorts of releases, but I never want to meet these people, whoever they are. If you’re a Dio fan — and you damn well better be — you’ll have all this stuff already. Maybe a couple of live tracks escaped you, but do you really need those that bad? There’s no use dissecting the track listing at any great length. You get all the stuff you’d expect of such a cash-grab, at least from the first three albums. It also offers the “dream duo” from Dream Evil (“Dream Evil” and “I Could Have Been a Dreamer”), and throws a bone to the underrated Lock Up the Wolves as well as Strange Highways by offering one from each. Not quite as redundant and pointless as any given collection of, say, Motorhead songs, but pretty close. (Also, what’s the deal with Sacred Heart? Not a great album.)

— Friar Wagner

SKULL535

Posted on by
Reply

The skull:
Imagine: you’ve been buried alive. Your hands are bound behind your back, and your feet are also tied together. But, you refuse to just die! You’re gonna make it out of this living hell, you decide, and you enact the only escape plan available to you: you start chewing your way out. You gnaw through the splintery wooden coffin, then you start working on the dirt. Pretty soon, there’s no more room left in your coffin to spit it out, so you have to start swallowing it. Finally, finally, you break through the surface, ready to scream out for help, when you choke on that last subterranean mouthful and die. We’re talking O. Henry levels of irony here, or at least something Edgar Allen Poe might have scribbled on a napkin in a drunken stupor days before coming up with a much better take on the subject.

The music:
Days We Dread serves up the mix of mid-90s gothy death metal like Crematory and late 00s Dark Tranquillity that probably no one was asking for, and it does it with panache. Glum quarter-note downstroked riffs, nasal clean vocals, copious keyboards, and groovy downtuned chugs come together in this middling stew, and while nothing about Engraved is even remotely terrible, nothing is particularly interesting, either. The sound, playing, and pretty much everything else are top notch, but the songwriting is so boring, the source inspirations so uninspiring, that I struggle to imagine why anyone would have thought to make this, but I guess there must be people out there who just really pine for the days when you could load up on eyeliner, sing about how sad you are and how tragic your lovelife is, and still be playing death metal. If you’re that kind of person, then you definitely need this demo. It will complete you. I suppose if you like the last couple Mercenary albums, but wish they were a lot mopier, then this might also work for you. Otherwise, I think you can safely skip this one.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL534

Posted on by
Reply

CRACK UP, Heads Will Roll  (1998, Nuclear Blast)

The skull:
This is the first skull in the Skullection to sport “cauliflower ear,” a common affliction of wrestlers (real wrestlers, not the Hulk Hogan type entertainers). Overall, this is just the kind of imagery people who wear Affliction gear might have gotten psyched up about before Affliction came along. But wait, look closer: the skull appears to have been impaled within a tightly-clamped circular prison. He is in the process of committing arson and breaking free of his shackles. It’s becoming clear now: this imagery is Crack Up’s commentary on Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto, their own manifesto of sorts, which also exalts the fall of the bourgeoisie, a fall which will set into motion a glorious new day for the proletariat, that they may loose their chains in revolutionary reconstitution and win back a world that is theirs to gain, the defeat of exchange value and the reclaiming of personal worth. No idea what the naked babes are doing in the background, though. Marx didn’t say anything about that.

The music:
Crack Up are one of these late ’90s German bands who began playing death metal then pretty quickly evolved into what is known by the unfortunate moniker of “death ‘n’ roll.” This is their third album, and it sounds as you’d expect:  fat grooves and tones with a growler grunting along in his best Lemmy-meets-Matti Karki impersonation. It sounds like they’re covering Xysma’s entire Deluxe album without any trace of the perverse attitude and left-field panache that made Xysma so special. It’s not the worst “death ‘n’ roll” ever, and there are even a few riffs that you have to grudgingly admit you were shaking your head and tapping you foot to (“The Assassin”). There are, of course, a number of dumb-ass butt-stompin’ riffs tailor-made for low-IQ metal neanderthals. They cover tunes by Dictators and Turbonegro, too, which probably tells you all you need to know about whether you’re going to like this or not. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess Crack Up was a pretty lame death metal band in its infancy.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL533

Posted on by
Reply

HYPNOSIA, Horror Infernal (2012, I Hate)

The skull:
We’ve seen the wolf skullet before, but here we have a skeleskullet, which is a mighty thing indeed. How he gets a comb through those bony locks is a mystery to all but the skull. The dude sporting it is certainly excited, his mouth ahowl and his eyes aflame. Or maybe he’s just angry that the Rogaine he applied to his dome didn’t maintain his magnificent skelebangs. I guess I’d be pissed, too, if I was in that position, but that shit is probably covered by the national health system in Sweden, so it’s not like he’s out a lot of kronor. And in any case, you still look cool, Hypnosia skull, so buck up!

The music:
It walks like a Brazilian duck and it quacks like a Brazilian duck, but this duck is Swedish. Go figure. Seriously, the band name, the logo, the artwork, and the music all sound like Brazilian retro deaththrash, although maybe this is slightly better produced than you’d expect from something genuinely from South America, especially considering these tunes are mostly early demo tracks. Of course, the music basically sounds German, and I’m especially reminded of mid 90s Sodom, filthy and perverted, but Hypnosia’s riffs are a bit trickier than anything Sodom was slinging at the time. A healthy Sepultura influence surely accounts for that, though. This is really just on the wrong side of the line separating “too raw” from “just raw enough” for me, but anyone with a moderate tolerance for grimy third world thrash would surely find these tunes impeccably engineered. This isn’t bad stuff at all; it just isn’t my speed.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL532

Posted on by
Reply

E.S.T., Live in the Outskirts of Moscow (1993, Mausoluem)

The skull:
Da, comrade, we are having knife. Yes, and gun. You need gun? Take gun, take! Is lightning you need? Also we are having lightning, and star too, yes. Is warm hat you need? Take hat, is bearing leaf of marijuana plant, is very cool. We are having everything you need comrade, and hard rocking, also. E.S.T. has eye out for you! Ha, comrade! You like joke? We are having good humor, for spirit of worker is in us. E.S.T. have many things, have all things, provided by party, for glory of Russia. Go, comrade, and fight, and rock for Russia!

The music:
I’d never heard of E.S.T. (which stands for Electro Shock Therapy) before, but that’s no great surprise, as my awareness of Russian metal is pretty scant. Then again, if I had ever encountered this band before, I would have quickly beat feet in the other direction, as they sound like the non-union Russian equivalent of Razor’s Edge-era AC/DC, with a bit of late The Cult thrown in for good measure (and okay, a little of the more rockin’ Aria sounds of the late 80s, which is really the best thing about E.S.T.) The first half of this compilation is their performance at the 1991 Monsters of Rock festival in Russia (supposedly, although rumors of live-in-the-studio abound), so clearly they were a band of some stature in their homeland, and their music is well played and well put together (even if the vocals are rather shitty, in a Chris Boltendahl way), so I guess if you like that kind of not-quite metal and you don’t mind (mostly) Russian lyrics, then you’d probably love this like I love Aspid and Valkyria, but if you already think one AC/DC was one too many, then you’ll find them twice as bad as their dull inspirations.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL531

Posted on by
Reply

GRAVEYARD, Philosophies of the Reality and Displaced Souls (1997, demo)

The skull:
A lazier BDS you’d be hard pressed to find, but I’ll give them the logo: it’s pretty cool. About the only thing I can think to say about this skull is that it looks a little like it’s sporting some weird hipster moustache/sideburns kinda thing. I really can’t explain what that fuzz on the skull’s left could be besides douchey facial hair, but maybe the lesson here (and the connection to at least the last half of the title) is that neither heaven nor hell can abide by ironic whiskers.

The music:
Trying to parse this title, you would naturally be forgiven for assuming this Graveyard (of the many, many Graveyards) spoke English as a second language, but no, they hailed from New York and evidently just weren’t very good with words. For what it’s worth, they didn’t much play music like Americans either, sounding more like fourth rate Swedes peddling sloppy and disorganized death metal with occasional doomy touches. Which is to say, they sounded like a really bad Furbowl, and that’s no one’s idea of a good time. Honestly, I can get behind the basic vibe here, but the playing is so bad and the songs so drowning in incompetent blasting that the good riffs are like island oases in a sea of shit. The vocals have an appealing L.G. Petrovian sound to them, but when the vocals are the best thing about your death metal band (hello Comecon!) you should really just stop. This was the last Graveyard demo before they were laid to rest, unsigned and unloved, and for everyone’s sake I hope they enrolled in some GED prep classes in their free time thereafter.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL530

Posted on by
Reply

DEJA VU, Decibel Disease  (2008, Karthago)

The skull:
Apparently this is what happens to a skull when it’s blasted with high decibel heavy metal: it grows tentacles under its jaw, spider-like legs on its head, and some kind of crank or nutcracker on one side of the noggin. That, and the bone is overtaken by a Michael Whelan-esque series of veins and eyeballs. The red glow emanating from eye and nasal holes lets us know that the decibel disease is peaking and continuing to spread. This is not good news for the skull. Probably should have worn earplugs, dude.

The music:
Great band name, considering you’ve totally heard this before. The music of Germany’s Deja Vu can be summed up easily: Painkiller-era Judas Priest with a healthy dose of the post-Painkiller sort of thing Halford did in his solo band (Halford, not Two). This includes some pretty impressive high-pitched screeching from guitarist Werner Kerscher, who probably would have been a better choice for Priest than Ripper. Unfortunately, there’s more “Metal Meltdown”-level dumbness here than “A Touch of Evil”-esque majesty. If they found their own sound, Deja Vu might be something really special, but too many times they just rip off songs from the Priest/Halford catalog, and so many of them are almost exact analogs of the originals — “Children of the Eighties” is a lot like Halford’s “Made in Hell.” And then “Die for the Tyrant” is indeed sort of like Judas Priest’s “Tyrant,” with its unpredictable twists and regal atmosphere but shot straight into the Painkiller-era, amped up, modernized and musclebound.”You Know My Name” puts Deja Vu on the right track, a powerful slice of dynamic power metal punctuated with some exciting rhythmic accents and punches. And then we get into knuckleheaded crud like “Metalhead” once again that isn’t so much Priest as it is Helix or Jackyl. Deja Vu was going pretty strong there for a few years, releasing a debut in 2006 and this one in 2008, so it’s been awhile and I wouldn’t hold out much hope that they’ll shed their weaknesses and work on their strengths. Or maybe it’s taking them that long to improve. Or maybe they’re working on their own version of Nostradamus, a triple album called The Greek about the predictions of NFL football commentator Jimmy the Greek.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL529

Posted on by
Reply

HELL MUÑECO, Doom Core (2009, demo)

The skull:
This guy reminds me of a Japanese Oni, what with his curved horns and fangs, not to mention the salacious look in his hideous peepers. With dentition like that, closing his mouth is probably next to impossible, but I imagine he gets by, mainly by screaming at all times and avoiding labial consonants. Then again, even if he could get his mouth shut, I guess the absence of lips would still make that sort of sound challenging, but other skulls manage to make them somehow. How, I don’t know! It’s times like this that make me wish we had a skull linguist on retainer to answer these burning questions.

The music:
Droopy doom metal with a cheap drum machine. Hell Muñeco are at least doom of the Solstice sort, and not a straight Sabbath knockoff, so you can expect riffing that’s a little more creative, and a little less reliant on the fuzz pedal for impact, than you get with your average weed-obsessed sludge merchant, but at the same time, the terrible vocals and Casio-grade drum samples really make this an unenjoyable listen, which is a pity because the writing and guitarwork are generally pretty solid, and certainly better than most of the doom bands we encounter around these parts. If the band found a stronger singer and a real drummer, they could probably grow into something interesting, but that could be said of an awful lot of bands, so I’m not holding out for a masterpiece from Hell Muñeco.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL528

Posted on by
Reply

CRYONIC, Evil Mind  (2007, Swedmetal)

The skull:
It’s like the dudes in Cryonic stumbled on this image after walking by Hellyeah HQ and found various discarded album cover design in the dumpster out back. One look at this ice blue bad boy and that was it: Cryonic had a mascot. Cinoyrc the Evil Mind (of Blue Flames), arise! They’re ready to take over the world now, they are.

The music:
Happy Happy Helloween all up in this joint! Germany’s speed metal masters are clearly a prime influence on this Swedish band, as are other, equally obvious bands such as Blind Guardian and Edguy. Which kinda means Cryonic sound a lot like Heavenly or Dreamland and similar other power metal bands several degrees removed from the root source. They’re fine at what they’re doing, but could probably use a more ballsy attack, since their AOR-ish elements (“Coldblood”) aren’t refined enough to carry them into that realm. But then increasing the aggression factor wouldn’t disguise the fact that this is pretty mediocre stuff. It’s not offensively mediocre, and would satisfy any not-exactly-discriminating power metal fan, but it does make you wish, for the 6000th time, that Lost Horizon could have put out at least one more album. (Fun fact: Cryonic’s vocalist goes by the handle of Bigswede.)

— Friar Wagner

SKULL527

Posted on by
Reply

SUCKING VOID, The Scavenger (2012, demo)

The skull:
The stupid logo is a dead giveaway that this is a modern release, but this art could otherwise totally have fronted some cult death metal demo from the late 80s, passed from trader to trader in increasingly rotten-sounding dubs, the cover getting more and more washed out as the Xerox generations pile up. Scratched, cracked, dripping, and covered in crawly things, not to mention stretched like a necro El Greco, this skull looks to be having an absolutely shitty afterlife, and we’re actually seeing him here in the prime of his digitally distributed glory. Sucking Void Skull, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

The music:
The Scavenger sounds like Earache Records 1990, an even mix of Harmony Corruption, Symphonies of Sickness, and the faster moments on Warmaster, but with a modern production that surprisingly doesn’t deflate the oldschool vibe. The riffing is a little basic at times, and the vocals less than charismatic, but this kind of oldschool stuff really gets me off, and Sucking Void remain committed throughout to songcraft in a way that modern death metal rarely does. The playing is sharp and everything sounds really great here, much better than most death metal, in fact. I didn’t expect much from this short demo with a silly cover, but Sucking Void are surprisingly not to be fucked with. Highly recommended if you enjoy the aforementioned oldies.
— Friar Johnsen