SKULL445

Posted on March 21, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

GOATPENIS, Pulverize the Human Race (2007, Satanic Skinhead Propaganda)

The skull:
“It is done, master. I have destroyed the humans!”
“All of them?”
“Yes, my lord, all of them, completely.”
“Did you pulverize them, my humble servant?”
“I stripped their flesh from their very bones, to the last mewling child. Only skulls remain.”
“I asked you to pulverize them!”
“You mean, literally crush them into small bits?”
“DID I NOT COMMAND YOU TO PULVERIZE THEM?”
“Of course, your wickedness. It’s just that… I thought you meant that metaphorically, like a fancy way of asking me to kill them all…”
“SILENCE! You have failed me!”
“My lord! I don’t understand!”
“I do not expect you to understand, only to obey! Guards, seize him! Send him to the crushing pits of Zithron, so that he may learn the true meaning of ‘pulverize.'”
“NOOOOO! My lord, have mercy!”
“GUARDS!”

The music:
I’ve always had a fondness for Goat* bands. A sort of abstract fondness to be sure, as I think the only one I ever heard before was Goatwhore. Maybe I also heard Goat Horn at one point. But really, how could any band with a name like GoatPenis (let alone Goat Semen, Goat Anus, or even Goat Thrower) possibly be good? Avoiding these bands’ music seemed the most prudent strategy, and I have no regrets. But now duty calls, and I bravely answer! Of all those Goat* bands, GoatPenis are surely one of the bigger names, so it stands to reason they’d be better than most, right? Well, let me tell you: they are not good. I listened to some recent stuff, and it’s almost as good as an early Carcass demo, minus the subtle cheek. This weird mid-career demo, composed of three re-recorded older demo songs, is much worse than that, though. To be fair, the original tracks merely aspire to a Hellhammer level of instrumental competence, so it must be said that GoatPenis improved somewhat from their earliest days (in the early 90s) to the mid aughts, but really, I would expect them, or any band that was trying at all, to have gotten a little better than this with fifteen years of practice. Them again, there are literally thousands of bands who not only think that death metal peaked in 1986, but that it is physically impossible for it to ever be better than it was back then, as if Sarcofago’s first demo pushed right up against the very limits of human dexterity and engineering prowess. Considered by that standard, I guess GoatPenis are… pretty good? Maybe even slightly above average. It’s all a Goat* band could hope for!
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL444

Posted on March 20, 2014 by Friar Wagner

VANHELGD, Church of Death (2011, Nuclear War Now! Productions)

The skull:
There comes a time in a man’s life when he makes certain profound realizations about himself. There comes a time when a man must surrender to cold truths. For this Friar, that time is now: I freaking loving skulls rendered with some kinda crazy dripping shit somewhere in the picture. Like the Thrall skull of last week, or this fine specimen Vanhelgd have blessed us with. Here the dripping is not that of black tears from the sockets, but a treatment to the painting itself. Intentional, ceratinly, but I’d still like to think the artist just finished the piece, set it in the windowsill to dry, and forgot that the weather forecast was for rain. Whatever the origin-story of its creation, this is a very good piece of artwork, and the dripping gives it that extra-morbid vibe. Even the logo drips.

The music:
The lust for old-style death metal continues unabated; it’s probably fair to say it never totally died in Sweden. This is yet another new school/old school Swedish band, and their particular brand of death is (unsurprisingly) similar to early Dismember, (less unsurprisingly) recalls Eucharist, and (as a mandatory ingredient of all good Swedish death) throws obvious hails to early Paradise Lost. This latter influence is especially apparent in “The Final Storm.” It’s a standout feature of Church of Death, and I would also point out the great vocal performance, mostly excellent because there are two distinctive voices here, handled by both guitarists, which helps to color some already dynamic and subtly textured death metal. Another fair point of reference would be Gorement, had they continued to evolve this way instead of going the Cathedral-ish death-rock direction before prematurely disbanding. Vanhelgd turn in a relatively fresh take on an old style, and this is one of the better albums from the new generation of old school bands from this country. It ain’t quite Tribulation, and it certainly can’t touch the great Morbus Chron, but I could see them evolving that way. Their third album is just around the corner…I wonder if a similarly progressive stylistic shift is in store. I kind of hope so, but then again, another album of this sort of thing wouldn’t be entirely unwelcome.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL443

Posted on March 19, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

SHATTERED REALM, Broken Ties… Spoken Lies (2002, Eulogy Recordings)

The skull:
When Dr. Rappaport brushed the dirt away, she knew she’d found an exemplary specimen, a nearly complete skull that dated to a time long before it was believed that humans had settled in the area. But, as she moved outward from the skull she made an even more shocking discovery. The cheesy olde english logo, the defiant title, they could mean only one thing: the primitive people of this remote island had independently developed hardcore thousands of years before even the advanced civilizations in the west. Her mind reeled, as she began to ponder the implications. Had this person died of natural causes, or had they fallen at the hands of an out-of-control windmiller, or a poorly timed stage dive? The sumptuous grave goods already discovered at the site led her to believe that this person might have been some sort of chieftan or king, but now she had to consider that the skull belonged to no less important a figure than “frontman.” She knew she was about to turn the anthropological community on its head.

The music:
Shattered Realm sound almost exactly like Hatebreed, which is to say they sound like a bunch of shiteating hardcore kids who just heard Seasons in the Abyss and think it’s the most aggro shit ever. You get the expected knuckledragging breakdowns mixed with some rudimentary riff-like structures that wouldn’t even be good enough to satisfy Kerry King in 2000. Shattered Realm clearly didn’t have any budget for drum editing or quantizing, so they come across as agreeably shambling and loose, but that’s only to say they sound exactly as sloppy on disc as they surely do in the rehearsal room. The vocals are, as you’d imagine, a dumb mix of charmless growling and impotent yelling, and the lyrics are every bit as cliche, about trusting no one, believing in yourself, and fucking shit up. There are also some mentions of demons, so I guess these guys like death metal too? My favorite thing about Shattered Realm is that they’re from Asbury Park, NJ, which is exactly the sort of shitty town you’d expect to birth a band this lame.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL442

Posted on March 18, 2014 by Friar Wagner

PROCLAMATION, Execration of Cruel Bestiality (2009, Nuclear War Now! Productions)

The skull:
Proclamation can’t decide which way they want their skull to point. We’re back to an anterior view now. The skull’s dome looks a little worse for the wear — although sutures (cracks) are a normal part of skull anatomy, these look exaggerated by age or injury. This time the goat beard has spread longer and wider than seen in the Proclamation skull featured yesterday. Both Friars and the Council are very happy that the top horn is curled around the one growing out of the right side of the skull. Gnarly, literally! We love it so much we’re ignoring what appear to be two other skulls growing from the main skull’s cheekbones. They’re not fully formed enough to disqualify the cover under the “no skulls” rule, and they seem more like earrings or some other other adornment than freestanding skulls in their own right. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: this is important!

The music:
Well, Proclamation still sounds like a cross between Blasphemy and Bestial Warlust. And for the first time I hear shades of Beherit, especially in the vocal phrasing. This album, their third, is rawer, bleaker, grimier, and more distant than its predecessor, but geez, how much Proclamation does one need? As a person who owns and worships the entire Nuclear Death discography, I guess I understand, but those guys (and girl) at least, you know, evolved. Perhaps the fourth Proclamation album sounds like a mixture of Blasphemy, Bestial Warlust, Beherit and Queensryche, which would certainly qualify as evolution, but I kinda doubt they’re ever going to do anything new with their sound. Glad I delved into them as much as I have these past few days, though. They’re definitely upholding what Blasphemy started better than any other newer band I’ve heard playing this style. For what that’s worth.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL441

Posted on March 17, 2014 by Friar Wagner

PROCLAMATION, Messiah of Darkness and Impurity (2008, Nuclear War Now! Productions)

The skull:
Here we see a skull transforming from human to goat — be careful, as a full goat skull will disqualify you guys from these halls! Of the three Proclamation skulls in the Skullection, this is the best one. I mean, check out those horns. The two on top seem to be enfolding the darkness, like the arms of a vampire, and that beard is gnarly in all its goatiness. It looks like a waterfall of coarse animal hair. (Do you suppose the word “goatee” came from somebody commenting on another chap’s chin beard, saying, “That chin hair is certainly goaty, sir!”?) And — this is the best part — the skull is growing goat ears. I’ve had goats for real, and those are goat ears if I’ve ever seen goat ears. Of all the skulls I’ve seen with horns, this one is probably the greatest of them all. It’s certainly the goatiest.

The music:
The opening of Messiah of Darkness and Impurity is right off any given early Bathory record. Of course. And while I fully expected Proclamation to continue with their Blasphemy worship on Messiah of Darkness and Impurity and Stuff — and they do to a great degree — there is some evolution here, and that alone is a big surprise. Their sound is still chaotic and frenzied, but the tumult is more focused throughout this album, front-loaded with more brutality and just slightly more modern (it sounds 1996, whereas the first album was more 1990). Though I didn’t hear much Bestial Warlust influence in the first album, I definitely hear it throughout this one. Messiah of Darkness and Impurity and All Kinds of Other Awful Things seems more one-dimensional than its predecessor, with too much emphasis on blasting. That’s all a bunch of hair-splitting, though, because this is still worthy of the Ross Bay Cult and all those who worship Revenge and drink the blood of virgin girls for breakfast and all that fun stuff.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL440

Posted on March 16, 2014 by Friar Wagner

PROCLAMATION, Advent of the Black Omen (2006, Nuclear War Now! Productions)

The skull:
Herewith the Council and your friendly Friars do present a special three-skull installment surveying the artwork of Spain’s Proclamation. This is a band the Council are especially fond of, considering their single-minded dedication to the skull. Of their four full-length albums, all feature a skull. Only the fourth one, 2012’s Nether Tombs of Abaddon, disqualifies itself for inclusion into the Skullection, due to the added ribcage and suggestion of a skeleton beyond the skull itself. But let us rejoice in the three covers that have been inducted, the first one being Advent of the Black Omen. Here we see a human skull adorned with massive curled ram-like horns wrapped around the points of a pentagram. Now, according to our sources and statisticians, we do believe we have seen this exact same motif before…we are holding now for confirmation of its unoriginality…and…wait…and…yes, indeed, we have seen this motif here at BDS headquarters, about 187 times, according to our guys in the truck. We appreciate its dedication to tradition, and please note that the inverted crucifixes, complete with inverted Christ, are a relatively innovative touch.

The music:
Given Proclamation’s rather traditional choices in skull cover artwork, and the repetition across their discography of said choices, we can’t act surprised that the band’s music itself is equally derivative. Considering the issuing label and the band’s image, we should actually hope this sounds a lot like Blasphemy, and sound like Blasphemy it does! Posing in a graveyard, adorned in hundreds of pounds of spikes, chains and molested Catholic crucfixes, this bands look very clearly mirrors their sound: blasphemous, frightening, obnoxious, oppressive, over-the-top, otherworldly, and, let’s face it, ridiculous. Had they originated this style of metal, it would be a lot more impressive, but considering how many generations removed from the original it is, one can only sit in amazement as it blazes by in its crazed rawness, sounding exactly like the missing link between Fallen Angel of Doom and Gods of War. As the only Friar who very much enjoys Blasphemy, Beherit, Sarcofago and the like, I will always have a soft spot for this sort of blasphemous noise; the aesthetic is appealing, always, but due to its intentionally derivative nature, anything recorded beyond the mid ’90s is caught in a vacuum of diminishing returns.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL439

Posted on March 15, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

ILLIDIANCE, Deformity (2013, self-released)

The skull:
The deep blue palette and the fine, soft brushwork on display here (even if it was done, as it likely was, entirely digitally) make me think of Necrolord, but there’s no way he’d ever create something as garishly stupid as this. Skull, brass knuckles, grenade, banner, sawblade, wings, outline stars, stencil AND script lettering: this cover has everything you need for like five douchey tattoos, with enough left over for two or three Affliction shirts. This is the pure, concentrated distillation of Hot Topic, in album art form.

The music:
Thuggish Soilwork style stuff, leavened by a shitpile of bloopy techno keyboards and bass drops, plus plenty of the djenty chugs that the kidz are so into these days. This is really shameless dreck, like a shittier version of Mnemic (if you can even imagine). Really, people: there is nothing more to be gained from mixing death metal howls and schmaltzy emo clean vocals. There’s no surprise in the contrast anymore, and no one will ever believe that your band is either tough OR sensitive. They will, however, immediately understand that you’re trendchasing whores without vision or talent. Read Illidiance’s Metal Archives page and you’ll be hammered over the head by this Russian band’s feckless opportunism: “Genre: Symphonic Black Metal (early), Electronic/Metal (later)…. The band now describes themselves as ‘cyber metal’.” Ugh. They even used to wear corpsepaint and are now all about full-sleeve tattoos and wraparound shades. Amazing. I guess I could give them points for making a good sounding EP, but actually, I won’t. Fuck this stupid band.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL438

Posted on March 14, 2014 by Friar Wagner

THRALL, Vermin to the Earth (2011, Moribund)

The skull:
Thrall not only love the skull, but they love the skull with snakes knotting themselves in and out of various cavities within our favorite boney body part. This one is a little more complex than the other Thrall art we featured way back in Skull183. While we like to take shots at all the stupid artwork that comes our way in this project, there’s nothing here to poke fun of. It’s a seriously great piece of art, and this Friar is especially down with the black blood dripping out of the skull’s eye sockets. Totally morbid.

The music:
I’d heard of Thrall quite a bit over the years, but never actually gave the band a listen until today. The first thing my ear goes to is the quality of the sounds. Not so much the songs, but the overall atmosphere. Thrall achieve an interesting sonic aesthetic: the guitars
are crisp and earthy, the drums dry and raw (but not dinky), the bass pumps out at just the right level, and the vocals are layed over everything perfectly, neither dominant nor buried. Other than a few minor effects on the vocals, everything sounds unadorned. Where that
might otherwise be a criticism (I dig studio manipulation), Thrall makes it work. It betrays a leaning toward traditional hard rock values, although Thrall don’t necessarily rock (well, “Plague of Man” sorta does). They don’t hide behind a ton of reverb or other effects, because they have the playing capability to twist sounds and melodies into otherworldly things without needing to overuse effects. But are the songs good? They’re okay. Something like “Oblivion” is even more than okay, featuring a couple interesting riffs. It partly exhumes the old-school simplicity of Bathory and Darkthrone, but with a kind of inspired intellectualism that resides in the realm of a band like Deathspell Omega, yet not quite that complex or tangled. Basically, Thrall straddles the line that separates ancient black metal and more modern approaches. I can continue to live without it — there’s probably not a metal sub-genre I’m pickier about than black metal — but I know a lot of people really like this band, and I can totally understand why.
— Friar Wagner

SKULL437

Posted on March 13, 2014 by Friar Johnsen

PROTECTOR, The Return of Thrash and Madness (2011, demo)

The skull:
Ah, the ol’ skull and flying V crossbones. We’ve seen this before, I think. Actually, looking ahead, SKULL582 is basically the same thing. Mark your calendars: on August 5, 2014 you’re gonna feel some wicked deja vu. Anyway, Protector. It’s hard to tell in this image, but those things in the eyes appears to be flags, and the one on the left features that upright Swedish lion dude. I’m guessing the other one is some kind of German flag, to represent Protector’s migration from the former European capital of metal to the current one. Also, one guitar is inscribed with 666, and the other with 777, perhaps to signal the music on this demo will appeal to fans of both Slayer and Stryper. Which, it should go without saying, would be a total lie. So, this is definitely more 666 than 777. Let’s call it 721.5.

The music:
Although I love the big three German thrash bands, and a fair number of the also-rans (eg Exhumer, Accuser, and some bands that don’t end in -er), I never got into Protector. This could be in part because even in the early 90s, when I was beginning to amass my legendary music collection, Protector discs were already hard to come by, and the band was not good enough for me to pay collectible prices. The situation has only gotten worse since then, and Protector sure as hell haven’t gotten any better, as this comeback cassette (!!!) sadly demonstrates. To compare them to another band, you’d have to imagine a missing link between the primordial rawness of Sodom’s early releases and the precision polish of the Frank Blackfire era. Protector are not sloppy players (although the drumming is not very interesting) but they just can’t write interesting riffs, and the vocals have always sucked. On one hand, I guess it’s nice for Protector fans that this release sounds so much like their “classic” material, but on the other hand, 2011 might have been a good time for the band to actually up its game. There are dozens of young (national) Swedish bands working exactly this same beat, and doing it better than Protector ever did, and none of THOSE bands are any good, really. Add in the rehearsal-room quality of this demo and you’ve got yourself one sad, sad comeback. But, at least they sound better than Assassin do now.
— Friar Johnsen

SKULL436

Posted on March 12, 2014 by Friar Wagner

KRYPTERIA, All Beauty Must Die (2011, Liberatio Music)

The skull:
Another obviously female skull (see Skull434), what with those pretty eyes and all. The smile is not one of happiness, nor is it maniacal. It looks like a forced giddiness…and it is. You see, we here at Big Dumb Skulls HQ are often privy to various goings-on behind the scenes of the covers we present to you, dear reader. And we know that a gun was indeed being pointed at her in this frame, the weapon wielded by a villainous cretin repeating the album title to the skull, ordering her to smile for the artist painting her portrait. Kind of an old-school version of the snuff film. The feathers are there to add even more “beauty” to the whole scene, but why? That skull is beautiful enough, and…no…wait…what’s the deal with the Snidely Whiplash mustache? Despite that bit of confusion, we were just about to intervene and save this skull from its fate. We normally wouldn’t interfere — we are mere watchers and chroniclers, after all — but in this case we felt terrible for the gal. But then we heard the music and decided to leave the skull to its fate.

The music:
With such a lame album cover, should I have been surprised at the junkiness of the music? I faintly remember this band riding on a wave of hype in the mid 2000s, something talked up by people who like this sort of female-fronted symphonic gothic power metal crud. The whole album is junky, but “Turn the World Around” has a ridiculous sub-nu metal sort of male vocal accompaniment that is beyond unlistenable. It’s a sound and genre strictly for girls who know nothing about metal, guys who have never been laid and never will be, and little children. The vocals of Ji-In Cho are way, way too melodramatic, and are especially nauseating in “(How Can Something So Good) Hurt So Bad,” which sounds like something from a Little Mermaid soundtrack. If that’s your thing, go for it. As for Krypteria’s inclusion here on Big Dumb Skulls, if it weren’t for the Chris Broderick-level sweep-picked leads, I would have not recognized a single iota of this as “metal.” And even if there are a couple impressive riffs and other musical passages throughout final song, “The Eye Collector,” this is mostly the sort of music that makes me have to listen to something else immediately, as if to wash out my sullied ears with soap. (And Sadus debut Illusions will be that soap.) Please, kill the beauty. Now.
— Friar Wagner